


The dark road down memory lane

by KathyDelCat



Category: The Fall (TV 2013)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Bad accident, Confrontations, Coping Mechanisms, Dark Past, Disturbing Themes, F/F, F/M, Health Issues, Hiding Emotions, Hiding Medical Issues, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Rape, Serious Injuries, Sexual Abuse, Side Effects, Women In Power, medical topics, past trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:49:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26668495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KathyDelCat/pseuds/KathyDelCat
Summary: Set in the final episode of „The Fall - Season 3“Jim is about to lose it all.  His career, his family... as he drowns his worries in alcohol at the bar of Stella's hotel, his thoughts only revolve around her name... only this time his reasonable mind is completely clouded.Stella, who spends one of her last nights in Belfast alone in her hotel room, suddenly senses footsteps from behind her.From then on everything goes downhills...
Comments: 39
Kudos: 31





	1. Darkness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,  
> first of all, this is my first ever atemt on writing and publishing a fanfiction and just FYI english is not my first language, so please be gentle with me! 
> 
> Before you start reading I have to tell you, I would never ever want the characters to actually experience the following acts. But I find it interesting to see how they would deal with extreme situations and how it would affect the relationships among them. I also think it‘s exciting to explore the characters' dark sides. If something feels “out of character” or you have suggestions for improvement (or you find major grammatical and/or spelling mistakes), don't be afraid to tell me!
> 
> FYI.. I nearly cried writing this.. anyway.. I hope you somehow enjoy reading my fic!

Musical inspiration for this chapter: Solace - Tommy Ashby

_____

Jims life was ruined. Tomorrow he would announce his resignation at a live press conference. As if he didn‘t already have enough to bear. His wife was about to leave him. His drinking problem had reoccured. The case he had been working on had found an utterly unpleasant end, with Spector being announced dead a few hours ago. And now he had even managed to sent his entire career downhills. But still... all these problems didn‘t bother him half as much as the name, which kept creeping inside his head, manipulating his thoughts. 

Stella Gibson... STELLA freaking GIBSON!

He was tired of being constantly rejected by her. This beautiful face of hers, the gorgeous body, which she moved so gently, fully aware of the impact she had on men... of the impact she had on him.

Just imagining her feminine structure in front of him made his brain go crazy and his heart flutter.

...one glass of whiskey, two glasses of scotch... 

He sat at the bar of the hotel in which Stella had been staying lately. Hell, he didn‘t even know why he had chosen exactly this pub, because knowing the woman of his desire was just a few floors away from him made him nearly go crazy.

...two shots of vodka, another glass of whiskey...

He imagined her coming downstairs, sitting next to him, telling him: „Jim... all I ever wanted was you! I need you! I want it so badly!“ His body started to slightly shiver at the thought.

...a beer, one shot of tequila, one last glass of whiskey...

This was it! He wouldn‘t wait any longer! He just knew it... she needed him as much as he needed her! „Stella Gibson... I will turn your world upside down“, he mumbled as he made his way to the reception.

...

As Jim approached the receptionist, his drunken mind had already figured out a plan. It had to work. It just had to!

„Excuse me!“, Jim said, his voice as serious as it could get in his condition.

„How can I help you sir?“, the young man answered.

_He looks like he‘s still a young boy... this could be useful._

Jim thought silently to himself.

„I need you to tell me in which room I can find Detective Superintendent Stella Gibson!“, Jim told him sternly.

„I am sorry, sir, but I am not allowed to just give you this information! Is there anything else I can do for you?“, the receptionist countered.

„Listen to me little fellow! I am Assistant Chief Constable Burns from the Police Service of Northern Ireland!“, he told the boy, showing of his licence next to his face, „I'm here on a suspicion that a fellow police officer is in danger right now! So don‘t waste my time telling me you can‘t hand out the information I need! Help me to help a co-worker of mine!“

As the young mans facial expression turned slightly intimidated he spoke: „Alright, sir. Should I call any assistance for you? Do you need the keycard for the room?“

Jim, who was filled with pride for managing to get the first part of his plan done, answered simply: „I already alarmed my people! Just hand me the card and tell me the room number. I will take care of the rest!“

„As you wish, sir! Let me check...“, the receptionist scrolled threw his computer an finally said, „Room 522! Here you go, sir!“

Jim took the keycard out of the boys hand and hurried towards the elevators.

...

As he stepped out of the lift and made his way up to Stellas room, he felt excitement boiling inside his whole body. This time he wouldn‘t back of. She would want him... she would love him! And he would enjoy it, every minute of it. This was the night he had waited for so long... since the last ,sweet night‘ they had shared years ago. He could barely control his thoughts.  
Finally he arrived at his destination. The door of room 522. Now all he had to do was to unlock it and give in to his desires.

-x-

It was quiet. Darkness took up the entire space. Soft rays of light forced their way into the room where the curtains stood slightly open. The only sound that could be heard was slow, steady breathing, which had its origin in the beds direction. Stella, who had spent all evening on finishing up the last reports for the case files of ‚Operation Musicman‘, had fallen into a deep slumber. The last two months had taken their toll on her. Long workdays, sleepless nights, many personal sacrifices.. even though she would never speak it out loud, it had been quite exhausting to her. And although she would have wished for an other ending... a better, fairer ending... it was finally over. Spector was dead. The case had been closed and Stellas fatigue took over at last. 

Suddenly she woke up as she sensed a tiny movement behind her. But before she even had the opportunity to turn around, all of a sudden she felt a hand covering her mouth and an other one grasping her wrists. She fought against the captivating feeling, when she unexpectedly heard a familiar voice next to her ear.

„Stella...“, said the voice, which she immediately recognised as Jim Burns, „... Stella, please! I need you! Everything is going to shit but the only thing I‘m able to think about is your body! Please do me just this one favour! I want you so bad... and I know you need me too...“

As Stella managed to turn her head in Jims direction, her eyes were opened wide, filled with fright.

„I will release you and than we can talk about what we are going to do next... fine?“, Jim said sternly.

As Stella nodded him a slight ‚Yes‘,he let go of her and knelt next to her bed. Stellas hand went immediately to the switch of the bedside lamp. *Click* 

„Jim! What the fuck are you doing in my room?! How did you even get in??“, Stella shouted aggressively.

„You would be surprised about what you can get people to do, when you tell them a police officer may be in danger“, Jim answered much to Stellas indignation.

„You have to get the fuck out here Jim! NOW! This is not you! It‘s the alcohol which is making you do this. Don‘t do anything you would regret later on!“, she told him. As she spoke she moved slightly away from him, so she could grab the gun which she had put in the drawer to her left bedside.

„No Stella! DON‘T PUSH ME AWAY!“, he screamed, as he grabbed her right wrist once again and pulled her towards him.

Stella, who immediately started kicking his tall figure with her legs, was suddenly overwhelmed by his strong, aggressive grip. He managed to pull her near him and swung his body up on her small shape, pressing his full bodyweight against her.

For a second she struggled breathing, as he positioned himself over her, held her wrists up with his left hand and pressed the other one against her soft, warm lips.

„Stella you need me! You may not realise it yet but you want me as bad as I want you! I just know it!“ Jim said with a firm undertone. As his face came even closer to Stellas, she could smell the intense alcohol plume which took over the space between the two of them.

Fearfully, but still full of rage, she looked Jim dead in the eyes and hoped her gaze of terror would make him stop! But instead he pulled his hand from her mouth and started fumbling around his upper waist.

Stella knew quite well this was her last chance to get him off her, before something terrible might happen.

„Jim, please stop! Let go of me! This is wrong for christ’s sake! Don‘t become one of the monsters you locked away in your many years of service!“ Stella cried out as she suddenly felt his male body parts touching her nightgown.

She made a last attempt to fight Jim off as he began to force his way between her legs, but before she even got a chance to make him stop, suddenly he thrusted himself inside her. As Stella's brain slowly started to perceive the whole situation she got forced into, her mind went blank and her entire body felt completely numb.

„Stella!“, Jim groaned, his voice filled with pleasure, as he started moving his body against hers, „Oh Christ, thank you! Thank you for finally letting me do this!“

Stella, who would normally kick each mans ass in nearly every situation, didn‘t even dare to move an inch of her body anymore. As Jim continued the utterly humiliating and painful procedure, her lifeless eyes glanced around the room, searching for something, that was not related to the drunk, old man above her.

It felt like her entire world was suddenly in a state of shock. As if her system completely shut down. Breathing became harder with every passing minute. Her body slightly began to shiver and her thoughts started to drift far away. 

Her mind wandered directly to Spector. She couldn’t stop herself from thinking about how pleased he would be right now. How he was looking straight up from hell and was delighted by the sight.

Her brain started calling up every single horrible experience she had made in- the last few days... the last two months.. her whole life. Most of them caused by men.

Lastly all of Stellas thoughts went to a single memory, which so far had been locked away and buried deep inside her mind. It had shaped her entire being and yet it had been to hurtful to even consider starting to reflect on it... until now.  
Everything she had repressed over the years suddenly caught up with her again.  
____

_Stella had just began her job as a young police officer. She had always been enthusiastic about enforcing law and order and helping people in need. Yet she had had no idea how a single night would change her view on good and evil so dramatically._

_Saturday evening. It had gotten late already. She had started making her way home a few minutes ago. As she walked by some alleys, she began to notice her slightly elevated alcohol level. A friend of hers had offered to take her home, but she had gratefully declined. Her apartment was just a few minutes‘ walk away. She had always liked to feel the cooling night air on her skin and looking up at the starry night sky made her feel like she was one of them. A shining star in the dark._

_Unsuspecting that somebody else had also observed her shining presence, she continued to walk forward._

...

_Shortly before Stella arrived at her destination, someone out of nowhere pulled her aside into one of the dark alleys to her left. As the unknown creature slammed her head against a near brick wall, she could feel a hand grabbing her by her neck and pointing a sharp object against it._

_„Listen bitch! If you try something stupid you die! Clear?!“, an unknown voice started talking to her in a dark, scratchy tone._

_Stella tried to sort her thoughts. Her body started trembling and she barely perceived the sounds around her._

_„You got it!?“, the scratchy voice repeated._

_In her mind Stella started to run through everything she had learned so far in her training. In a situation like that, it would be useless to try to fight back. She would barely be able to move an inch of her body, with this person holding a knife up against her throat. So she decided to just keep it quiet and let him take what he wanted to get._

_Stella nodded slowly, letting the masked creature know she wouldn’t try anything. But soon enough she realised this person was not after some quick cash or her new cellphone._

_Goose bumps spread all over her body as the man, she could tell by his body structure he was for sure male, began to rub his fingers against her inner thigh. Shortly afterwards his hand made its way under her skirt, up to parts of her body, which shouldn‘t ever be touched by a guy like this. As he pressed his huge body against her small silhouette, she could clearly feel the swollen bump in his pants. Next she heard a sound which resembled the unzipping of jeans._

_„... p..please.. don‘t...“, her shaking voice broke the silence._

_„Shut the fuck up you cunt!“, he said sternly and brought his bright red pocketknife up to her eyes for her to look at it, „You scream, you bleed!“_

_Just seconds later she felt him between her legs. When he started penetrating her, all she let out was a small sob of pain and fear._

_Minutes passed by, but to Stella it felt like multiple hours._

_When he reached the end of the utterly horrible procedure, all she could feel was a warm, gross texture inside of her. He was finally done._

_As he left her pale, lifeless figure lying on the cold, hard ground, she knew he had taken a part of her with him, which she couldn‘t ever get back._

___

It was the same warm, gross feeling. Only this time it wasn‘t a stranger bringing it to her. It was someone she had considered an ally... but men remain men.. they were all just fucking monsters.

Stella shut her eyelids. A single tear escaped out the corner of her eye. The only words she could think about were ,Not again...‘ .

...

A few more seconds passed, but to her each of them felt like an eternity.

As Jim slowly repositioned himself above Stella, he lifted his head up and looked at her pale skin. God she was just to beautiful for this world. Her shining blonde hair and the bright blue-grey eyes made her almost look angelic, even though he knew angelic was not a word someone would usually use to describe Stella Gibson.  
„Stella please look at me! I just need to see your eyes.. they are.. like the clearest river! I could sink into them every time I look at you!“, he stammered with a drunken undertone. 

As the woman of his desire didn‘t even make an attempt to turn her head into his direction, he took her face in both of his hands and bended it towards him. But where normally two flaming diamonds could be seen, was just a foggy, blurry, swollen red mess. It almost seamed like Jim was staring at a lifeless body overcome with darkness.

Realising he wouldn‘t get more than he already took, he released her head and started an attempt of slowly crawling off the bed, nearly pulling the crumpled bedding off with him.

As he stood there, looking at the messy bedsheets and the mildly shaking woman lying in front of him, he briefly readjusted his thoughts.

„Sooo...“, Jim started off, „What do we do now?... Want a drink.. or something?.. Wine.. Whiskey?“ He made his way to the small, round table near the bed, on which there where several liquids, and the fitting glasses. As he started pouring himself a glass of the golden liquor, which seamed to be a sort of whiskey or scotch, a soft, weak voice rang out from behind him.  
„... get out...“, Stella whispered barely audible.  
„Excuse me, what was that?“, Jim answered slightly surprised.  
„Get out of my room...“ Stella repeated in a shaky tone, as if her body and brain were completely out of energy. It felt like talking had become a task, as exhausting as running a marathon.  
„You are probably right.. I should head home.. cause this was, as always with you, a ,one time thing‘... or should I call it a ,two time thing‘ now?“, Jim smirked. He slowly started to readjust his clothes and afterwards stumbled in the direction of the door, through which he had unasked made his way in. He was to drunk to even fully realise what he'd just done, what he had made her go through, what he could never undo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we are... the end of chapter one! I don‘t know if I will leave it at a one shot or if I shall continue with it.. I may have a few ideas were this could go from here.. so if you are interested in another chapter let me know in the comments! ^^  
> Thanks for reading and have a nice day/night! <3


	2. Beyond reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stella tries to process her thoughts, thinking of the night, which had changed her life many years ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my... another chapter done..  
> I feel so bad for what I am making Stella go through.  
> My mind seems to be a dark place... But to write a story about standing back up, the characters need to fall down first... Forgive me!  
> ... Anyways.. enjoy reading chapter two...

Musical inspiration for this chapter: Breathe Me - Sia  
_____

The silence was overwhelming. It felt like the entire world had stopped turning, and yet she wasn‘t able to stop her mind from spinning.

Stellas small silhouette lay on the bed, her platinum blonde hair spread out over the creased bedsheets. A numb feeling took over her slightly shaking form, and thenceforth the only movement which could be perceived was the blinking of her eyes which were filled with bitter tears.

A few minutes had already passed by, as Stella finally managed to move her left arm and started pulling down the bottom half of her shimmering cream coloured nightgown. Afterwards she moved one of her legs towards the other until she could feel the skin contact between them.

She tried to clear up her mind but wasn‘t able to get rid of the chaos inside her. Suddenly she noticed a constricting feeling squeezing up her chest and small sobs began to leave her trembling lips.

As the sobbing sound got louder and way more intense with every single second passing by, tears started to stream down Stellas pale face, building tiny stains on the sheets beside her head.

She could feel her thoughts drifting away. Again the memory of the night which had changed Stellas life forever flooded her brain with pictures she had tried to ban from her mind.  
____

_Stellas gaze wandered across the night sky. Before she had thought of her self as one of the shining stars above her. Now it felt like she had fallen from the safe, brightly lit sky and got shattered into a million little pieces on the cold, hard ground of reality._

_The cold, hard ground... she could feel it beneath her._

_She made a first attempt to move her limbs, but they didn‘t move an inch. It felt like Stellas body was trapped under a avalanche of heavy rocks. Her breathing was shallow, her mind seemed clouded... almost empty._

_As she finally managed to pull herself up on her shaky legs, she swiftly readjusted herself and started to dizzily make her way home, as her doors location was just a few meters away._

_With every step she made, she winced in pain. Every move felt like a knife stab ripping her insides apart._

_..._

_When she stood at the doorstep, she frantically rummaged through her small shoulder bag to find her house key. As she managed to pull it out, the key slipped through her trembling fingers, hitting the brick tiles beneath it._

_Stella leaned forward to pick it back up when suddenly her legs could no longer support her weight and slipped away under her._

_As Stella sat on the floor, her back leaned against the door, reality hit her and tears started to stream down her cheeks. She felt the world around her fade away._

_..._

_Minutes passed by... one... five... ten.._

_As Stella felt her lost strength returning to her limbs, she wiped the wetness off her face, so her blurry sight would start to normalise._

Just get up...

  
_She thought to herself._

_..._

_Stella closed the front door, through which she had finally made her way inside, double locking it. She was at home... but what now? She looked around the room. It was quiet..._

_Her facial expressions seemed to be frozen, as if she had no emotions left in her shattered world of darkness. Her lifeless gaze wandered to the telephone, which was placed beside the light grey sofa in her living room._

Small steps, Stella... Take small steps..

_She reached the seating accommodation. Carefully she sat down._

_Should she call somebody? Family? A friend of hers? Police? She tried to sort her thoughts. Maybe her mother... even though Stellas relationship with her mother had been pretty trivial since her father had died, and her mother did not appreciate her life choices, nether private nor professional ones, Stella hoped in circumstances like these she might know what to do... after all, she was her mother._

_As she entered her moms phone number, a feeling of nausea spread in her stomach. What should she tell her? How would she react?... As more and more questions started to form in her mind, Stella felt tears welling up in her eyes once again._

_Finally someone picked up the phone._

_„Hello?...“, a stern, sleepy voice spoke._

_„Mom...“, Stella answered._

_„Stella? Haven’t you noticed how late it is?! I have to get up early tomorrow! Try to call at a decent time, for gods sake! I can’t deal with you right now!“, the woman on the other end of the line said and hung up._

_Stella pressed the receiver against her ear. This feeling... as if her heartbeat sank into the pit of her stomach. What just happened? Did her own mother really just hang up on her?_

She doesn’t care... nobody will care..

_Suddenly her whole body felt like it was on fire. Stella started trembling... the heat spreading through her veins was unbearable. She needed to get out of this clothes... Fast!_

_Stella ripped her clothes off her body. Then she picked them up, ran towards the garbage can and threw them into the trash._

Water! 

_She needed to shower... right now!_

_..._

_As she made her way to the bathroom, nausea took over her entire being. She stumbled towards the toilet, just in time. Stella vomited everything her small stomach contained._

_Exhaustion.. it ran through her body... through her veins.. her bones.. her mind._

Water...

_It was the only word she could think of right now._

_Stella stood up again and got into the shower cabin. As she turned on the tap, water started flowing down her silhouette. She could feel every singe drop on her bare skin, no matter how tiny it was._

_She just wanted to forget every single thing which was stuck in her head.  
Her fluttering heart.  
The heat which overwhelmed her body.  
Her shaking limbs.  
Her spinning mind.  
The nausea, which still turned her stomach upside down.  
Her mother, who didn‘t seem to care about her daughter at all!  
The feeling on her skin, as if HIS touch had burned into her body.  
The pain she could feel between her legs, caused by....._

_No... she didn‘t want to be a victim..._

_„... this is not who I am...“, she whispered barely audible._

_She couldn’t stop her knees from shaking, so she sat down on the cold shower floor, pulled her legs close to her chest and placed her her chin on them._

_Her soaking wet hair covered the most parts of her face, but Stella could still perceive the salty, hot tears streaming down her cheeks._

_Fifteen minutes passed by.. twenty... thirty..... an hour........_

_She thought about getting up... but leaving the comforting walls of the shower cabin would mean she had to return to the real world... to her personal nightmare... she didn’t feel ready yet._

_But would she ever be ready?_  
____

Getting up. Under normal circumstances this was no challenge. But right now it seemed absolutely impossible to even move a few centimetres away from her current location.

It took Stella quite some time to steady her breathing and gather all the strength left in her body to shove her legs off the bed.

_... just breathe..._  


she thought, slightly relieved about the fact that she was still able to pronounce words in her mind.

Slowly she set up her upper body and pushed herself up on her feet. They were shaky... unstable... as if they would collapse under the pressure of her weight every second. But the problem weren‘t just her trembling legs. Stella as a whole felt pretty lightheaded.

After a few steps she needed to steady herself. Her hands reached out for the wall next to her. It felt relieving to lean against the solid building. Luckily the light switch was within reach. Her fingers moved towards the tiny button. *Click* 

Stellas sight was suddenly overwhelmed by the brightness of the ceiling light. Her left arm wandered up to cover her face, as her eyes slowly got used to the new circumstances.

With her right hand still touching the wall, she continued to carefully put one foot in front of the other until she reached the bathroom door.

As Stella liftet up her head the first thing she spotted was her reflection in the mirror. Even though her sight was still blurry because of her tear filled eyes, she could tell she looked like a complete mess. But instead of criticising herself, which she had absolutely no energy for right now, Stella walked slow and steady over to the sink.

When she was about to turn on the water tap, she cast a shocked look at her wrists. They were covered with bright purple bruises. Hell, she hadn‘t even noticed how tight Jims grip must have been. As Stellas fingers gently stroke along her injuries she slightly winced in pain. 

This was to much. The whole situation made her sick. She quickly turned on the water so she could place her arms under the cold liquid. Stella pressed her wet hands against her heated face. It was calming to feel water on her skin and for a second she even forgot the world around her as her focus lay only on the cooling texture.

But the moment came to its end far to quickly, when a buzzing sound ripped Stellas mind out of her trance. This was clearly her phone, but who would send her a message this late at night? 

She turned off the tap and slowly made her way towards the large table surrounded by armchairs in the middle of the room.

_Oh god..._  


Her mind started spinning again and her heart rate sped up. Her phone display was showing of a message from Jim:  
„Thank you for this night Stella! I really needed that.“

Stellas breathing began to quicken. As she turned around, her legs suddenly gave way under her. She sank down in one of the chairs unable to control her limbs. Her sight went blurry and her hands where shaking once again.

_Oh god this can‘t be true! This has to be a nightmare!_  


Stellas head went down to her hands. She held it in between them.

  
_Wake up damn it!_  


But no matter how much she wanted to, she couldn't escape reality.

Stella started to sob heavily. She pulled her legs up to her chest once again and sank even deeper into the soft material of the voluminous armchair.

The crying noises carried on for quite a while, until Stellas mind went blank and her thoughts slowly faded away.

Sleep took over her body.  
Exhaustion had won the battle at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that’s it... chapter two.. maybe al little short, but if had written more I would probably have started crying...  
> Well, in case anyone cares how the story continues... stay tuned for chapter three!  
> (Comments, regardless of wether they involve constructive criticism or feedback, are always appreciated and highly motivate me!)
> 
> And one last thing... I‘m just rewatching season 3 and there is this one moment (S3, E1, Minute: 48) in which Stella confronts Roses husband about how he should react to the events. The exact words were:
> 
> „Tom, the way you behave, the way you approach your role as Roses helper, will even make her experience better or worse. If you react badly, you will devastate her... or you can be a big part of her healing and her recovery.  
> What she needs from you right now is to know that she‘s save. To know that she‘s loved.   
> Be patient. Be tender. Tomorrow is another day.“
> 
> When I heard Stella saying these words, I immediately had to think about the situation in my story, in which Stella is calling her mother, who reacts like she doesn‘t care for her daughter at all...  
> It‘s crazy how writing and imagining the past of a character can change your view on some conversations so immensely.


	3. Consequences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after the hellish night and the associated complications.  
> Will Stella be able to make a decision about what she is going to do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again this chapter is pretty short... I‘m sorry... I wasn‘t able to think of a way to make it longer... But I promise the next chapter will involve more content and other characters!
> 
> I am not quite sure about when I‘m going to upload the next chapter though... I just started to study at university a few days ago and it‘s pretty complicated and time consuming to figure everything out with the ongoing situation in the world right now.
> 
> I just wanted to say, if anyone needs to hear this right now (it doesn't matter if you just started studying like me or if you feel bad about something else...)... It‘s gonna get better! Even if you feel alone with your worries from time to time... there are people out there, who may feel the same way... just trust that you can survive anything! I wish you a wonderful day! <3
> 
> I was in a very dark place a few days ago, but then out of nowhere I got a message, that someone commented my last chapter. The words were so kind.. I really needed to read something like this in that moment! Thank you!
> 
> Anyway... enjoy reading!

Musical inspiration for this chapter: Consequences - Camilla Cabello

———

The alarm clock on the bedside table went off. A high-pitched sound drowned out the oppressive silence, which had occupied the whole room.

Stellas body flinched when she heard the shrill noise. Her eyes shot open and her breathing quickened. It took her a moment to realize where she was, when suddenly she remembered.

She had fallen asleep in an armchair last night after...  
... after.....  
... the incident.

Stella looked around the room. Her eyes wandered from the crumpled bed sheets, over a half-full glass of whisky, to her phone, which lay on the table in front of her current location. When she reached for it, her gaze fell, once again, on her wrists, which were, as she remembered it from last night, covered in bruises.

The sight made her shiver slightly.

...

Stella finally took her cellphone and casted a quick look at the time, ignoring the message she had already read last night.

6:31 a.m... It was a common time for her to get up. Usually she felt well rested and ready to face the world. She always planned in an hour, to be able to get ready unhurried. Once she was fully dressed she would normally make her way to the office, where she would still arrive before most of her co-workers did.

But today was different. She felt tired... exhausted... breathless. As if something, or rather someone, had torn out all the energy of her entire being.

However, Stella knew she had to get up sooner or later, because the „Spector-case“, was about to come to an end today. All case files and the last reports, which she and her team still needed to finish in the few hours of time they had left, would be brought to the police station today to be stored in the archives.

The sooner they finished it, the sooner she could finally leave this godless place. The time she had spent in Belfast had brought her more painful memories than joyful ones. It had reopened many old wounds, which had taken years to get better but had never fully healed.

...

Stella moved her legs off the chair. Her limbs ached. Her body felt numb. Nevertheless, she gathered all her strength and got up.

As she sorted her thoughts, Stella realized the alarm clock was still ringing, so she made her way to the bedside table and finally turned it off. Silence conquered the room once again.

Stella let out a long sigh, as if she wanted to squeeze the whole last night out of her chest. It felt surreal to think about what had happened. How should she cope with it?

She would advise any victim of sexual violence to press charges immediately! She had often regretted that she had kept silent about what had happened to her back then. It would be the right choice to report it... but what would the consequences be? Would she ever be able to look someone in the eyes without fear of being stamped off as weak and helpless? 

What would her colleges think? They would no longer see the insurmountable force of nature, which she had once been perceived as. She would loose her identity... her status in society.

She just couldn‘t believe she was sent through this hellish experience by someone she had considered a friend. She felt anger.. sadness.. desperation... all at once.

Stella closed her eyes for a second. She needed to suppress the wave of emotions welling up inside her. She had to hide the pain, the anguish and the fear behind a veil of pretended self-confidence... like she always did, when it felt like her emotions might overwhelm her.

Pressing charges or staying silent? No matter what she would choose, she had to live with the consequences. So far there hadn't been many situations in her life where she hadn't had a clear answer to what the next step would be.

Decisions... she knew she needed to make them... but right now she lacked the strength to do so.

Stellas thoughts wandered to the shower. It would feel so good to wash off the last night... to wash off all the twisted emotions, which held her reasonable mind hostage. But she also knew, if she gave in to that desire, it would make the decision for her.

So instead Stella took an outfit from her closet and started dressing herself. She felt uncomfortable... dirty. But she knew she had to turn off her emotions and needed to pull through it for now.

Of course Stella had chosen a long-sleeved shirt, which would cover up her arms.

...

As she stepped towards the bathroom mirror, she took a look at her face. It was still covered in bruises, as well as her wrists. But the injuries Spector had left on her, were not that easy to hide or to cover up. She did her best, but the power of make-up had its limits. At least she was better in hiding her inner bruises than the ones on her outside.

Well, it had to work for now. She needed to go... she couldn‘t be late... she couldn‘t let them sense that something was wrong... or rather that everything was wrong. And additionally, before she went to the office, she had to make a stopover... one that seemed just too familiar to her.

-x-

Stella parked her car in front of a small shop. ‚Pharmacy‘ was written in capital letters above the entrance. A feeling of humiliation spread inside her chest. It had been years since the last time she had stopped by a drugstore to buy the special product she needed to get right now.

_Come on... better now than later..._  
she thought silently to herself.

Stella did her best to turn off her emotions and to keep a straight face, as she left her car and entered the store. She stepped in front of the sales counter. A friendly looking woman approached her an said: „Good morning! What can I do for you?“

Stella spoke in a moderate tone: „I need to get the morning-after pill...“

———

_Stella had been here before... well, not exactly at this location... but she had been in this exact situation a long time ago..._

_After the first time... it.. had happened, she went to a pharmacy, which was not in the immediate vicinity of her usual environment, so she wouldn‘t be seen by anyone who knew her._

_At the time, the saleswoman had looked at her as if she was a filthy prostitute... as if she had committed a crime...  
She had asked Stella about her intentions... about why she would get this kind of medicine... if she had a boyfriend, which was none of her fucking business!  
Hell, she had even tried to instruct her, a grown up woman, about the importance of safer sex!  
It had felt utterly humiliating!_

_But everyone took the right to judge, whether they knew the true story or not... that was the way it worked in the patriarchal society in which they lived. People were incomprehensible ... they judged everything and everyone ... whether it was their business or not._

_In particular, it was about women who were simply labeled as angels or whores. There were no gradations... it was good or bad... clean or dirty... smart or dumb...  
... and that's how it had been till the present day._

———

„Well...“, the pharmacist replied, „... then let me get it for you“

Stella was amazed about the fact that she had gotten away without noticing a look of blame in the womans face and without being questioned about her intentions. 

Maybe... maybe society wasn‘t that fucked up after all... maybe there were still people left, who understood that it was non of their business to be concerned about the life of a complete stranger...  
... or maybe the woman had already made up her mind about Stella, by the way her face looked at the moment... maybe she had made up a story in her head about where Stellas bruises came from...  
Whatever the case was, she had no idea... nobody could even imagine an incident like this...

But it didn’t matter right now... Stella was relieved she finally got what she had ordered, so she paid the 30 euro bill and left the store as quick as possible.

...

Back in the car Stella looked at the small, silver packaging, which she knew contained a day full of physical complaints and health issues. But there was no other option than to take the pill and get through it. It couldn't get worse than it already was.

Without wasting time by thinking about it any longer, she swallowed the small, white pellet. Tension spread in Stellas body. Today would demand everything she had to give in terms of strength and perseverance.

She needed to begin somewhere, so Stella started the engine of her car and drove off in her offices direction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we are again... well, I think I already mentioned everything I wanted to say in the notes above the chapter! I hope I'll have time to write Chapter 4 soon! Thanks for reading! Comments are always highly appreciated! I just love hearing from you guys, whether it’s about constructive criticism, suggestions for the story, or just to say ‚Hi‘! <3


	4. Crumbling walls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stellas day at the office turns out to be harder than expected, as she has to fight with her thoughts and the side-effects of the pill.
> 
> Dani notices her slightly odd behaviour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! It has been three weeks since I have last updated... well, I‘m back! I can‘t promise to upload the following chapters in a smaller period of time, but I will try my best!
> 
> Anyway, enjoy chapter 4... it‘s a little longer than the ones before... I hope you enjoy reading it!

Musical inspiration for this chapter: Keep Breathing - Ingrid Michaelson

———

8:04 a.m..

Stella opened the heavy door, which leads into the office complex she had entered many times before in the past few days. She walked down the hallway until she reached the headquarters of „Operation Musicman“. 

Stella barely perceived her surroundings. Her mind was absent, which rarely happened to her. But she needed to focus! Focus on keeping the walls of self-control and professionalism up, even though it felt like they were cracking and might start to crumble.

No... she couldn‘t let them see, that she wasn‘t her usual self... the strong, cold, focused Detective Superintendent, who was able to ether enlighten or destroy a person with just a single glare. But was that even possible in her condition? To stay strong?... Coolheaded?... Unshaken?

She felt tired... but.. not just tired... exhausted... and almost dizzy..  
Was it her body reacting to the meds she had taken? Were it the wounds, which ached with every step she took? Or were it the happenings of last night... the thoughts, which kept haunting her...

Stella didn‘t even want to think about it all anymore. Nothing was right... she was about to lose her mind... to lose herself...

But she wouldn‘t... no, she COULDN’T send her entire carrier downhills because of her personal problems... because of what she had been through last night... because of what she had been through years ago!

Stella focused on every step she took and tried to make them look as confident as she could.

When she finally reached the office rooms, Stella noticed most of her co-workers had already arrived. It was unusual for her to come in late. Of course she had her reasons... but she couldn‘t tell anyone about it. She just hoped nobody would notice and made her way to her office.

„Morning, ma’am!“, a lively voice shouted out behind her back.

„Morning, Dani“, Stella answered in a slightly irritated tone, which she cursed herself for.

With no intentions of starting a conversation, Stella walked by the remaining desks and went into the room, which she had called her private office since they had moved the headquarters from the police station.

As she closed the door behind her, she unexpectedly felt a sudden vertigo taking over her body. She leaned against the desk in front of her to stabilise herself and to retrieve control over her spinning mind. A pulsating feeling shot through her head.

_No, no, NO! I can‘t deal with this shit right now!_

Stella brought a hand up to her forehead. She slightly winced when her fingers brushed against the bruises, which covered one half of her face. Could this situation get even worse? Hell, hadn‘t she been through enough already?

She took a deep breath.

 _It‘s just a headache... I can work through this..._  
she reminded herself and finally went over to sit in her office chair.

Sitting down felt relaxing.. at least a little bit. The dizziness slowly subsided. Even though Stella could still feel a slight wave of migraine, she sorted her thoughts an tried to focus on work.

Paperwork... there was so much paperwork left! They needed to finish it by the end of today! The files couldn‘t stay here forever... they were meant to be brought back to the police archives as soon as possible, now that the case had come to an end.

As Stellas eyes went over all the case files, which had piled up on her desk, her gaze wandered to the wall behind her. She turned around an took a closer look at it. It was covered in sheets. 

She had always had the habit of writing down her thoughts, regardless of whether it was about her personal life, like she did within her dream journal, or about work related stuff, to stimulate her thought processes.

But this case... this particular case had been different than the ones she had been working on in the past. Stella looked at the portrait, which Spector had set as her computer background. 

This case had gotten personal... way to personal! When she had left London two months ago, Stella would have never thought, that her time in Belfast would demand so many sacrifices... that it would cost her a part of the person that she had been before. A couple of new scars... many reopened old wounds...  
She would have never thought she would leave Belfast with a bruised body and a shaken soul...

Stella closed her eyes. The headache spread through her scull. She felt a wave of exhaustion hitting her body. Her thoughts started to drift off.

Paul Spector... Jim Burns...  
These names got stuck in her head. They had been opponents. One a policeman. One a murderer. But both weak minded... both driven by their desires... both male!

-x-

Dani stood in front of Stellas office. She could clearly see her boss, who sat on her chair with the back turned to her, through the glass door. Dani had knocked, but there was no response. This was an odd situation. Normally Stella would call her in... or answer.. or at least glance in her direction. But not this time. It looked like she was completely lost in her mind...

Dani knocked again. And again... no response. So she decided to open the door slightly...

„Ma’am?“, Dani said carefully.

Silence...

„Ma’am, are you alright?“, she repeated.

Nothing...

Dani started approaching her boss. She stretched out her arm in Stellas direction. She spoke again: „Ma’am, can I help y...“

But as soon Danis fingertips touched her bosses shoulder, the womans body flinched and her head turned towards her. For a second it looked like fear had overcome Stellas eyes, but as soon as they met Danis the expression of shock turned into a cold, professional one.

„I... I‘m... Ma’am, I‘m sorry! It wasn‘t my intention to tear you out of your thoughts... I just.. I knocked, but you didn‘t respond so I just wanted to check if everything‘s alright...“, Dani stuttered, slightly irritated by her bosses reaction to the touch. This kind of behaviour didn‘t seem normal to her. Not even a day after Spectors attack on her, had she shown the slightest signs of weakness.

Stella relaxed. For a quick second she rebuilt the wall of professionalism and then spoke: „It‘s okay Dani... I got lost in my mind... what’s the matter?“

„Ahm... I..“, Dani cleared her throat and started to form a proper sentence, „I just wanted to inform you, as for the editing of the files we are on schedule. They will get picked up around 5:00 p.m. and will be brought to the station!“

„Thank you, Dani. That’s good...“, Stella replied, eyeing the files at her desk, „Is there anything else?“

„Yeah, actually I wanted to remind you of the press conference, which will be held by Assistant Chief Constable Burns at 6:00 p.m.“, Dani said.

As the young officer mentioned the name, Stellas head shot up and she held her breath for a moment. Her mind spun. Her face went pale...  
It was one thing to think about him... but having an other person mentioning him was an utterly revolting feeling.

„Ma’am? I... Are you alright?“, Dani asked concerned. Even though she knew her bosses personal life was none of her business, she couldn‘t just ignore the weird signs she was sending out today.

„Yes!“, Stella replied, fully aware of the fact, that Dani had noticed her strange behaviour. Inside her mind she was cursing about her unprofessional reaction... if she kept it up like this, the whole team would talk about her by the end of the day. She had to conceal her feelings to get through the upcoming hours!

„... yes I‘m fine. Just tired... anyways! The press conference. Thank you for reminding me, Dani! Is that all?“, Stella asked.

„Yes, ma’am!“ Dani replied. She tried to not show her sorrowful gaze, so she avoided eye contact.

„Good! Get back to work then...“, Stella said and turned her eyes in the files direction again.

„Thank you, ma’am!“, Dani said and walked out of the office. But even when she arrived at her desk and tried to focus on work, she couldn‘t shake off the feeling, that something was wrong...

...

A few hours had already passed by. It was around 1:00 p.m..

Stella had somehow managed to focus on work and had already edited most of the remaining material. But this annoying headache still hadn’t gotten better... maybe she should get herself some water?

Yes, that might work... she hadn‘t drunken since..... had she even drunken something today, except for the single sip of water she had swallowed together with the pill?... Well, it didn’t matter now... she would get herself something to drink and would hope that it would ease her migraine!

Stella stood up and made her way to the offices kitchen. 

As she went by the desks of her colleges, she could feel a pair of eyes following her... Ferringtons gaze didn‘t let go of her until she finally passed the entrance of the kitchen area.

Thank god, the room was empty. She was alone.

Stella took a glass out of the cupboard and went over to the sink. She filled it and started drinking. The cooling texture of water, which she felt running down her throat, was calming.

Stella put the glass down. Yes.. the water had felt calming, but... something was wrong...

All of a sudden breathing became harder and harder! Stellas thorax ached...

She moved her right hand up to her chest. There was a kind of pulling, cramping feeling in her upper abdominal area.

„Damn side effects...“, Stella whispered to herself, thinking of the medicament.

Her breathing quickened slightly. Suddenly all the emotions she had tried to cover up caught up with her and she could feel the walls of suppression cracking up once again. 

It came in waves. She knew it from back then. The feeling of breathlessness... of desolation... of helplessness...

It felt like there was nobody who could help her right now... who would listen... who could understand...

This whole situation... it felt like she had been thrown back in time.

———

_It had already gotten quite late. Stella, who stood in the kitchen of the police station, making herself a cup of coffee, was working late again._

_A few weeks had passed by since the brutal attack she had experienced._

_Since then she had mainly focused on her work and her training, which impressed most of her colleagues, as she only had worked as an officer for a short period of time. Yet she was as ambitious, or even more ambitious, than her elder co-workers or even her supervisors._

_She had spent more time at the station than at home._

_Her personal life felt like it was barely existing anymore. But she didn‘t mind. She felt save at the station... at least saver than at her place. She needed to take her mind of the thoughts, which kept creeping up in her head._

_In the past weeks she had barely talked to her family and friends. There were many missed calls on her phone, but even when she answered them once in a while, she kept the conversation as short as possible, mostly ending it with the sentence „I am fine, don‘t worry about me!“_

_Stella had built up meter thick walls around her feelings to shut up the voices in her head, like she had done it when her father had passed._

_Work was the best way to push her personal problems aside and to focus at something, which seemed more important to her._

_Stella took the warm cup and made her way to her desk, where files and reports awaited her attention. She sat down, took a sip of the coffee and started typing something into her computer._

_Everybody, except for her, had already gone home. She was alone in the big office room, which was filled with desks, chairs, computers, files and more work-related stuff._

_Stella suddenly perceived that her phone was vibrating. She took it out of her bag and saw that one of her closest friends, Quendolin, was calling her. She kept staring at the screen for a few seconds, until the call ended and the phone got quiet again._

_Stella was sick of being questioned, of being constantly reminded of the fact, that her life as she had known it was not existing anymore. She was different now.. she had changed and she couldn‘t imagine that she would ever go back to being the person she had been before._

_As she took a closer look at the phone screen, Stella noticed a few more text messages. She opened them only to read stuff like:_

_„Hey, it‘s Quendy... again... if you‘re not to busy please call me back! We need to talk girl!!“_

_„Hi Stella! What‘s up?? Kathi is throwing a party this weekend! Hope to see you there! XOXO Dana“_

_„Stella, this is your mother! Next time I call you I would appreciate it, if you would at least call me back! You can‘t be that busy all the time! It shows off unacceptable behaviour to ignore someone over a long period of time! Well, I hope you are at least happy with your choices!“_

_Stella put her phone aside. This was to much... there wasn‘t a single person she wanted to hear from right now... except maybe from her father... but this was an impossible wish..._

_Stella felt tears welling up in her eyes, breathing became hard..._

_No, she couldn‘t let her feelings take over again... not at her workplace! Even though nobody else was here at the moment, she still didn‘t want to mess up her reputation in case somebody would come in._

_Her personal life was already shattered... she wasn‘t going to let her carrier suffer too!_

_Stella stood up and went towards a window. She cracked it open and started to take deep breaths. The cool night air filled her lungs and eased the wave of emotions, which had nearly overcame her._

_She starred into the dark night sky, feeling the cooling air on her skin... at least she was feeling something aside from the shame and pain which kept haunting her..._

———

Stellas chest cramped. The attempts on settling her breathing were futile! The air in the office felt highly oppressive. If she wouldn‘t get some fresh air soon, she would start hyperventilating.

Stella couldn‘t let that happen! Not in front of her co-workers!

She needed to get out of this building... she needed a quiet, calming place...

The roof! Whenever she wanted to be for herself, to experience a truly peaceful moment or to turn off her thoughts for a quick second, she would get up on the roof to feel the cooling air on her skin and to take in the calming silence.

Yes, the roof! She would go up and calm down... But still... she needed to inform somebody about her whereabouts...

Ferrington! Stella trusted her enough to know the young detective wouldn‘t be questioning her since she had always kept her back over the past few weeks. She would tell Dani where she was going in case anything important happened.

As Stella was on her way to the elevator, she made a stopover at Danis desk.

With the utmost effort to control her breathing, which was only partially successful, Stella spoke: „Dani, if anyone needs anything, I'll be up on the roof... should there be any urgent situations, let me know!“

„Yes, ma’am!“, Dani answered simply.

Stella nodded and went on to leave the room.

Dani looked after her and took a deep breath... something felt strange... but she would never intrude her bosses personal space or question her intentions. She had learned to mind her own business... even though her thoughts wouldn’t stop revolving around Stellas odd behaviour...

„Do you think something is wrong with her?“, a voice whispered in Danis direction.

McNally... of course.

„I mean... you noticed it too, right? Something about her feels odd today... Not that this is any of my business... but she came in quite late and she seemed kind of absent to me...“, the brown haired women said, with a curious look on her face.

„You are right...“, Dani answered, „... this is none of your business, and neither is it mine! So let’s not talk about stuff like that!“

„You are probably right... sorry for bothering you...“, McNally spoke in a slightly surprised tone, as if she had expected a different answer.

Danis thoughts went back to her work and she started typing on the keyboard of her computer once again. But a small part of her mind couldn‘t let go of the feeling, that something bad was going on...

-x-

On the roof, Stella leaned against the parapet and looked into the distance. She focused on her breathing, which slowly started to normalise, thanks to the fresh air.

Stella tried to shut her thoughts down for a second, but this time the quietness on the roof didn‘t seem to help getting her mind cleared. It just intensified the feeling of vulnerability.

She could feel the bruises all over her body... aching, pulling, pulsating. But not just the visible marks made her uncomfortable... it was the feeling of hands touching her skin... of fingers clasping her wrists... of the gross warmth between her legs...

It felt like he... Jim... was all over her... like if the night still hadn‘t passed, but would continue infinitely.

Stella let out a long breath.

She turned around, placed her back against the wall near her, and slowly sunk to the ground.

She rolled up the sleeves of her shirt, but eyeing her bruised wrists only made her feel even more desperate.

Stella shut her eyes.

Every side-effect she had experienced today, the migraine, the chest pain, the vertigo... it would pass. And even the wounds on her body would heal after a certain amount of time. She knew that. But what about the other complaints? The disgusting feeling of hands touching her, the humiliation, the discomfort... the fear...

Why did she have to go through all of this again?

She had thought of herself as a strong individual... not a victim! She had been comfortable with herself. It had taken years and years for her to be the kind of person which she had eventually become. She had thought that she had left all that emotional chaos behind. But where did this vulnerability come from then? 

Stella opened her eyes again. She asked herself, how long it would take until she could close them, without seeing all the happenings repeating them self over and over again.

This was all Jim’s fault... But the world just wasn‘t fair! If she would file charges not only his life would be ruined, but hers would suffer to... everything she had worked on... her carrier, her presence, the respect she had earned herself over the years... it might all go to shit as well.

Stella sat there in silence, starring at her wrists, thinking of how she got to this point.

-x-

Meanwhile Dani was working on her last report in the office. An hour had passed by, since DSI Gibson had come to her desk, to inform Dani about her going up on the roof. Suddenly she heard a stern voice call: „Has anyone seen Stella Gibson?“

It was no other than Detective Chief Inspector Eastwood, who had came from the direction in which Stellas office could be found.

„Sir,“, Dani said in response, „I know where she is, should I go get her for you?“

„No need for that, Ferrington! Just tell me where to find her and I will go talk to her myself“, DCI Eastwood answered.

„Sir, with all due respect... she asked me to get her, if somebody may need something“, Dani spoke, hoping he would understand her reasons for contradicting.

„Come on, Ferrington... don‘t take this to serious! She‘s up on the roof again, isn‘t she? I‘ll go find her myself!“, he said, and started making his way towards the exit.

„SIR!“, Dani yelled after him, slightly louder than intended.

Eastwood turned back towards her and shot her a look of confusion and slight anger.

Danis eyes opened wide, as she realised that she had just yelled at one of her supervisors.

„I.. I‘m sorry, sir!“, she said a little embarrassed, „I don‘t want to cause any trouble, but I really think I should go get her myself...“

Eastwood looked into her eyes, as Dani set up a pleading gaze.

„Well... fine...“, the DCI finally spoke, „Tell her I have some file informations to talk about with her! And hurry! We don‘t have much time left, until the documents will be transported back to the archives!“

„Yes, sir!“ Dani responded and started walking down the hallway, towards the elevator.

As she pressed the button, her thoughts driftet of. She had told Eastwood before, where to find Stella and it hadn‘t been a problem back then... but there was this feeling in the corner of her mind, that today this wouldn‘t be a good idea at all. Today was different, so she would make sure to act right and to handle everything the way it should be done.

...

As Dani stepped out of the lift onto the roof, she was surprised to find her boss sitting on the floor with her eyes closed.

„Ma’am?“, Dani said and took a step forward.

As soon as she perceived Ferringtons presence, Stella pulled the sleeves of her shirt down, stood up and called: „Dani! What‘s the matter?“

Stella felt some kind of vertigo taking over her from standing up to fast, so she leaned herself against the wall to ease her spinning head, without Dani noticing the condition she was in.

„Ma’am, DCI Eastwood asked to meet you downstairs. He needs to talk to you about some files“, Dani answered, eyeing Stella very closely.

„Thank you, Dani! I will go find him“, Stella replied, taking a single, little step forwards to make sure the vertigo had settled. When she noticed that she was able to walk without major complaints, Stella walked past Dani towards the elevator and stepped inside.

„Dani, are you coming?“, the DSI asked.

„I will stay for just a few more minutes, ma’am. I will meet you downstairs!“, Dani spoke.

Stella nodded and the doors of the lift closed in front of her.

Dani looked at the horizon. The cool breeze brushed along her hair.

 _Something is wrong..._  
she thought to herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So! Here we are again! Another chapter has come to an end! As always, comments (doesn‘t matter if they involve constructive criticism, ideas for the story, or just some nice words) are always highly appreciated and motivating!
> 
> I wish all of you a wonderful day/night <3


	5. The easy way?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It‘s nearly 6 p.m.. The press conference is about to start... but things take a very different turn as Jims words hit Stella the wrong way...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, it has been two months since the last update already! I‘m sorry for making you wait so long! I had a lot to do for university... actually I still have a lot to do... I have my second big exam in three days.. I‘m freaking scared!  
> To take my mind of things for a while I decided to write chapter 5, which was pretty refreshing, but also pretty disturbing as this storyline isn‘t very easy to write...
> 
> Well, I hope you somehow enjoy reading it anyway... I‘m gonna get back to learning now... wish me luck! :.D
> 
> As always, comments keep me highly motivated! <3
> 
> And just FYI... after Friday I will have a few days to finally chill again... so the next chapter might come very soon!

Musical inspiration for this chapter: Broken Girl - Matthew West

———

Stella stepped towards the crowd in the middle of the spacious office area. All her colleagues had gathered around the oval table, which was surrounded by black chairs, on which Dani, Eastwood and a few fellow co-workers had taken a seat. 

Stella, who wasn‘t interested in joining the conversation her colleagues held, placed herself slightly away from the crowd and stared cold faced at the TV-screen, which was showing of some unimportant news.

It was nearly 6:00 p.m.. The case files had been picked up an hour ago. Their work was done... the case was over... Yet the whole team had come to seal the end of their two-month long collaboration and to hear their Chiefs last words on the case.

In the past few weeks they had held meetings, had presented progress reports and had planned further steps to be able to take down the ‚Strangler of Belfast‘... Now all of this seemed to be a long bygone memory.

Less than 24 hours had passed, since the person they had been searching for so long had been declared dead... yet it seemed like an eternity.

For two months straight Stellas whole life had revolved around this case. Two months of decision making, profiling and hoping for the best. Two months full of work, personal sacrifices, wins and failures.

But still... those two months, no matter how hard, how stressful, how harrowing they may have been... no matter how many of her nightmares had revolved around this time... The current situation felt like one of the most frightening, never-ending nightmares she had ever experienced. Only this time Stella wasn‘t dreaming.

This situation was far to real.

Stella had managed to survive the past couple of hours... she had worked through the headache, which had soothed over the passed time. She still felt dizzy from time to time and her stomach had started to feel like it was spinning in a circle, which was probably mainly due to the fact that she had barely eaten or drunk anything... but her physical complaints were the least of her problems.

It had cost Stella all her strength and acting skills to maintain the professional facade throughout the day. She had struggled to keep her thoughts locked away... to keep her wounds hidden... to cover up her twisted emotions.

But aside from that, the worst part was... she still hadn‘t figured out what she would do... how she would cope with the happenings... if she would file charges... Normally it was easy for her to make decisions... yes or no, good or bad... In her job, she had to be able to divide up situations quickly and govern appropriately. Then how could it be that after hours of thinking she was not able to decide on her following steps?

A few minutes had passed, in which wild thoughts had been buzzing through Stellas head, until somebody finally shouted: „Hey, everyone! It‘s starting! Turn up the volume!“

Stellas body tensed as she perceived Jim’s to familiar voice beside her. If this hadn‘t been work-related, she would have gladly passed the opportunity to look at her tormenter... but as she had taken a leading role in the whole investigation, she couldn't let her feelings deter her from fulfilling her duties. All she could do now was listening to his words and trying to keep her emotions together...

Jim spoke: „Paul Spector, the man charged with four recent murders in the Belfast area, was found dead last night in one of the bedrooms of the ‚Foyle Clinic‘, where he was undergoing psychiatric assessment. This morning an inquiry was launched into how he had come to die, whilst under level two observation by clinic staff. Spector, 32, was found dead at 9:31 p.m.. While efforts were made to revive him, he was certified dead by doctors at 9:51 p.m.. The Foyle Clinics leading clinician was also injured during the incident. He is in hospital and in a stable condition. His injuries are not thought to be life-threatening. Another patient, Mark Bailey, 29, was killed. His family have been informed. An inquiry into his death is ongoing. I can confirm that the PSNI are not looking for anyone else in connection with the murders of Fiona Gallagher, Sarah Kay, Alice Parker Monroe or Joseph Brawley. An inquest will take place into each of those deaths. DCI Eastwood will oversee the preparation of those inquest files.“

Stella noticed Eastwoods twisted expression... it seemed like she wasn‘t the only one who had a hard time listening to Burns. The DCI had had a twisted relationship with Jim over the past few weeks... it seemed like Eastwoods respect for his supervisor was barely existing anymore... but well.. since last night ‚respect‘ wasn’t even a word which Stella would bring in connection with this man...

Jim continued: „In light of recent events, and as of today, I am standing down from my position as Goldcommander of ‚Operation Musicman‘. In addition the Chief Constable has accepted my resignation.“

Nobody said a word... some had seen it coming, others had an expression of shock written all over their faces, but Stellas cold facial expression didn’t even move an inch...

„I would like to take this opportunity...“, Jim started.

 _No... don‘t even think about doing this you sick bastard!_  
Stellas mind started turning.... if he would say what she thought of, it might break her.

But, as she imagined, the next words that left Jims lips were: „... to thank Detective Superintendent Gibson for all her hard work, her dedication to duty and her leadership during the investigation. Thank you.“

As Jim spoke, Stella slowly started to depart herself from the crowd... these last words... it was just to much. Nausea spread through her entire abdominal area. Stella immediately thought of the text message she had received last night...

_Thank you for this night Stella! I really needed that._

Jim's words drowned her mind.

_Thank you, Stella!_

She left the room, fully aware of the fact, that her colleagues kept staring after her.

_I want to thank Detective Superintendent Gibson!_

When she was sure that she was out of sight, Stellas walk quickened.

_Thank you, Stella... I needed that!_

She started to run down the hallway.

_Thank you, Stella..._

Stella opened the door, which lead into the empty bathroom area.

_... thank you, Stella..._

She tore open one of the toilet cubicle doors.

_... thank you, Stella..._

Her head spun as she slammed the door behind her shut and dropped to her knees in front of the toilet.

_... THANK YOU, STELLA!_

She quickly bent her head over the porcelain basin as her stomach cramped and expelled all of its contents. But since she hadn‘t been able to bring herself to eat more than a few bites of one of the pastries, which somebody had brought in for the whole team to celebrate the end of the case, there wasn‘t much left for her body to eject.

Stella sat up and carefully leaned her back against the door...

Her head pulsed. Her skin looked pale as if she had seen a ghost a few seconds ago.

But she would be able to live with real ghosts... 

These ghosts... her ghosts... which kept haunting her, were none others than the demons of her past. They silently kept creeping up in her head, taking her to a place, which she hadn‘t visited in a while, but which seemed just to familiar.

———

_The clicking sound of her pumps touching the ground filled the surrounding air. It wasn‘t a calm walk, rather a stressed, fast one. It nearly sounded like running._

_„Hey, Officer Gibson! Is everything alri...“, a soft voice called after her._

_But the only sounds she perceived, were the noises of her small, hectic steps._

_..._

_A few moments later, Stella had locked herself inside a toilet cubicle._

_Sobbing sounds filled the surrounding air as Stella tried to keep her hands from shaking._

_The past hour kept replaying itself inside her head._

_***_

_There had been a celebration at the office. The employees of the police station had organised a farewell party to say goodbye to their chief, who would be retiring within the next few days._

_As the festivities went on for a while, Chief Davies, a middle aged, grey-haired, plump man, with a name which Stella would never be able to forget, had asked to see her in his office after the celebration._

_..._

_Shortly afterwards Stella had opened the door to her chiefs office room._

_„Sir“, she greeted him._

_„Ah, Stella! Good you are here! Please shut the door behind you and take a seat“, Davies said and pointed his right hand at the chair in front of his desk._

_Stella nodded and followed his instructions._

_„Well,“ the Chief started, with a slight grin placed on his face, „it couldn’t be overlooked that your work has been more than satisfactory since you started with us. I would even go so far to say that you are one of the most promising young officers I have seen in a very long time, which is, given my seniority, a pretty large period of time.“_

_As he spoke he made his way over to Stella and placed himself at the edge of his desk, in front of her small silhouette._

_„Thank you, sir. I appreciate your kind words,“, Stella spoke, „but I‘m just trying my best to do my job right, as everyone else here does!“_

_„Officer Gibson... you shouldn‘t think so limited of your abilities! You are an extraordinary person! Your talents deserve to be promoted! And this is the reason why I would like to write a letter of recommendation about your work and hand it to my supervisors before I‘m leaving“, Davies told her._

_„Thank you, sir! I really appreciate it. I‘m thankful for your efforts!“, Stella answered, sensing a slight feeling of proudness rising inside of her._

_Davies eyed her for a few seconds until he asked: „How thankful exactly are you?“_

_„Sir?“, Stella questioned, setting up a slightly irritated face._

_„Well, as I just said... you are a very extraordinary woman, Stella... and it would be appropriate, to receive something in exchange for my kindness towards you, don‘t you think so too?“, Stellas supervisor told her, tacking her down with his gaze._

_„Well I‘m sorry to disappoint you, but I don‘t think there is anything I can do for you in my current position! If you excuse me now, I have to get back to work!“, Stella replied, feeling uneasiness taking over her form._

_As she stood up and tried to make her way towards the door, she suddenly felt a strong hand grabbing her wrist, pulling her back._

_Stellas eyes opened wide as the feeling of uneasiness turned into blind panic. She had to get out of this room immediately, or else..._

_„Officer Gibson, this meeting is not over yet! Believe me when I tell you, there are many things a woman in your position could do for me...“, Davies said with a heated undertone in his voice._

_„Sir, let go of my arm!“, Stella called out._

_„Don't pretend you’re a lady now, Stella! You know exactly about the impact you have on men!“, Davies said and moved his head closer towards Stellas._

_„Get your fucking hands off me, now!“, Stella shouted as she managed to pull her arm free from his strong grip, barely noticing the words she had used._

_Just seconds later the door opened and one of Stellas fellow colleagues entered the room, saying: „Sir, you are needed at... Oh, I‘m sorry! Did I interrupt anything important?“_

_„No, Officer Evans! Officer Gibson was just about to leave!“, the Chief said with a slight smirk, but in a stern tone._

_Stella, who was barely breathing at this moment, nodded at her boss, then at her co-worker, and finally left the room._

_***_

_Her head spun as the situation kept repeating itself over and over..._

_This had really happened... the police station, her safe place, had just turned into another part of her personal nightmare._

_She wanted to tell someone about the happenings... she was tired of being a victim, of being a coward, who didn‘t dare to stand up for herself... she wanted to see this bastard, a man who she had trusted... who she had respected, hanging._

_But who would believe her..._

_She knew, that he was a highly respected man... she also knew she was just a small wheel in this industry, which could easily be replaced within the blink of an eye._

_These feelings, anger... hate... fear... despair..., they overwhelmed her reasonable mind until Stella let out a long sob an quietly said to her self: „A few more days and he will be gone... a few more days and it‘s over... I can‘t risk to loose the only part of my life that I’ve left...“_

_Tears started welling up in her eyes. Stella carefully grabbed her wrist, which was stinging slightly, and pressed it against her chest to finally stop her hands from shaking._

_She knew, she had chosen the easy way, instead of the right one... but right now even the ‚easy‘ way felt like one of the darkest roads she had ever walked on._

———

Stella, who’s back was still leaned against the cold door... who sat inside a toilet cubicle holding back tears just like her younger overwhelmed self... who tried so hard to control her emotions that it almost hurt, suddenly perceived footsteps entering the restroom.

Her breath caught... the room was suddenly filled with silence again.

A few seconds passed until a soft voice spoke: „Ma’am?“

_Of course... Ferrington..._

Stella knew quite well that she had to answer. Otherwise the whole staff would sooner or later learn about the fact that something was wrong. So she stood up, straightened her clothes, brought her quickened breathing under control and left the cubicle.

„What’s the matter Dani?“, Stella answered, trying to look as professional as usual.

„I know... it‘s non of my business to ask you any personal questions... but... Well, I just wanted to check if you might need anything... Ma’am!“, Dani said, visibly struggling to find the right words.

„Well, thank you for asking Dani, but I feel like there is absolutely nothing you can do for me right now... except maybe for checking up if there is anything left to do before everyone heads home!“, Stella replied with a small, faked smile on her lips.

„Of course ma’am.. I‘m on my way“, the redhead answered, turning around on her way to leave the room.

But shortly before she left, Dani gathered all her courage and spoke: „Ahm... I... I just wanted you to know ma’am... if there is something on your mind... or if you want to talk or... ahm... I just wanted you to know I would listen... because... I care...“

With these words Dani walked out of sight.

Stellas whole body was petrified. Her eyes kept staring at the door through which Dani had left a few moments ago...

When she finally managed to move her head again, Stella turned it towards the mirror which reflected the pale structure of a mildly shaking woman, who’s face showed off a lost, but at the same time astonished expression.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are again... the end of chapter 5... 
> 
> As always, all comments are highly appreciated! It makes me so happy to hear different opinions from so many different people! I love hearing from you guys!
> 
> I wish all of you a wonderful day/night and hope you are all happy and healthy! <3


	6. Monstrous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stella decided to stay at the headquarters for tonight. As the hours pass by she experiences a horrifying encounter with her demons, who keep remembering her of the mistakes she thinks she has made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y’all, I wanted to share a few thoughts of mine about this story. If you are interested in reading them: You can find them at the end of this chapter!
> 
> Anyways, enjoy reading!

Musical inspiration for this chapter: Monsters - Ruelle

———

At night...

Stella, who had chosen to spend her last night in Belfast at the office, sat at her desk and was checking over some papers. All her colleagues had already left... but she just hadn‘t been able to convince herself of going back to this hotel room. She couldn‘t face this place... not today... not... tonight...

To stay at the office overnight, which she had done quite often lately, had been the easiest solution.

It was late already, probably somewhat after midnight.

It was all quiet... dark, except for her office room... maybe even too silent.

Out of nowhere Stella suddenly perceived a noise, which resembled the sound of footsteps. She looked up... but nothing.

 _Focus Stella... just focus..._  
She thought silently to herself.

The lamp, which stood at her desk, flickered lightly. Well... It was to be expected that these standardized office buildings weren't exactly equipped with the highest quality furnishing.

Stella gently shook her head and refocused on the papers in front of her, when unexpectedly the light went out. Darkness consumed the entire space around her. She sighed and began fiddling around the light bulb of the desk lamp. As she finally managed to turn the light back on, her heart nearly stopped.

On the other side of the glass door stood a tall figure, cloaked in darkness... but not just anyone... Jim! He was staring at her with cold, bloodshot eyes... He was watching her like a predator was looking at a piece of meat.

Stellas body stiffened. She was barely able to breath, let alone move.

He, this man... no... this monster laid its hand on the door handle, pushed the door open and stepped inside the room. Jims eyes were bright red... filled with... tears?

„Stella...“, he whimpered..., „Stella, please... I need you. I need this... I need us!“

Stella tried to open her mouth... she tried to speak... tried to scream... but it felt like she was frozen in place... All she could do was to hold his gaze, sending him a look of pure terror. But soon enough their intense eye contact came to an end as Jim started approaching Stella.

Her body trembled as he came closer... and closer... and soon close enough to grab one of her hands, which he immediately did.

Instead of moving... of pulling her arm away... of running for her dear life... of fighting him off... she just sat there, completely petrified, trying her best to keep her lungs working... inhaling and exhaling... keeping herself from hyperventilating.

Jim, who was now standing right beside her, held her arm tightly between his fingers, stroking the soft, warm skin of hers. His hands were then wandering up to her shoulders... her neck... her head, when his grip suddenly strengthened at her cheeks. He held her face tightly between his palms.

Jim was looking straight into Stellas widely opened eyes, as if he could read her mind... as if he would dive deeply into her soul... into her world. Silence took over the space around them. They didn‘t move for what seemed to be an eternity.

...

The quietness found an abrupt end, when all of a sudden Jim pulled Stella aggressively up on her feet and pressed the back of her body towards his torso.

Her eyes closed immediately as she felt the cramping pain inside her chest and stomach of being enclosed by this mans tight grip. When she tried to scream, or even to speak, nothing but a quiet whimper left her lips. 

She was trapped... again!

She couldn’t move... couldn’t get a clear thought. Before even one word came to her mind, a bearded chin pressed itself against her ear and the associated mouth spoke: „Now you are mine!“

Stellas contorted expression turned into a look of blind panic as she realised... this was not Jims voice! This cold, nerve-wrecking sound could only be assigned to one specific human being! But... this was impossible... IT COUDN‘T BE!

Paul Spector! The ‚Strangler of Belfast‘! The one and only Spector, who had been declared dead last night! No... this couldn‘t be real!

It took Stella the greatest efforts to turn her head into the direction of the familiar voice, which gave her chills all over her skin. But when her worst fears turned out to be more than real, her legs nearly gave way under her.

„Missed me?“, Spector asked with a big smile covering his face.

 _This is not real... this is not real... THIS CAN‘T BE REAL!_  
Stella was mentally screaming.

„Well, Stella... This time reality is beyond your control! Now it‘s MY turn to make the rules!“, he said, still holding her tightly within his strong arms.

Spector started unbuttoning Stellas blouse, pulling the soft silk fabric off her shoulders.

She needed to attempt to free herself from his grip, but she was just unable to move. Her body wasn‘t listening to her anymore! She was helplessly at his mercy! But there wasn‘t a single fibre in his body which would show any sign of mercy...

„Stella, oh how I missed saying this name... Stella, shining star in the dark... there isn‘t one single thing you could probably do to escape this situation! You don‘t have the upper hand this time!... Tell me, how does it feel to lose every little bit of control? Do you feel helpless? Panicked?... Maybe... aroused? You can tell me. It will stay between us... promised!“, Spector spoke, „Well... between us and... them!“

Spectors hand extended into the doors direction. Stellas eyes followed it until she finally noticed them! They stood all in front of the glassy wall... Eastwood, Reed Smith, McNally, many other colleagues... even Ferrington!

„Don‘t worry!“, Spector continued, „They don‘t care about the fact that you are a filthy little whore! They already knew that one!... Well... I guess everybody knows that fact by now, after your pretty face graced the front page of all those newspapers... Your high reputation has gone to shit anyway, so it doesn‘t really matter anymore!... Trust me when I tell you... they just came to enjoy the show. So just lean back and... try to enjoy yourself a little more!“

They were all staring at her, as Spector continued the utterly humiliating procedure. Stella was in a state of pure shock. Her gaze kept wandering around. She couldn‘t believe it... each and everyone was standing there... looking at her... not even attempting to help her... Even Dani, the faithful, young soul, who had done everything Stella had asked her for, didn’t move the slightest inch. She was just looking at Stella... taking in every little detail of her exposed skin...

As Stella suddenly felt the ability of using her voice coming back to her, a tiny, barely audible „... help...“, left her lips.

^*^*^

„HELP!“

Stella woke up screaming. She kicked the blanket, which felt like it was constricting her entire body, off her and at the same time her upper body shot in the air. Her distraught gaze wandered around the room, which was covered in darkness. One of her hands reached for the collar of her shirt, which was exactly where it used to be... on her body... untouched.

 _Fuck!_  
Stella thought.  
_A fucking dream... Jesus..._

Her chest rose and fell sharply as her lungs were finally able to take in the surrounding oxygen again.

Stella pushed her legs off the camp bed, which had been one of the most important pieces of furniture her office had included over the past weeks. She sat on its edge, brought her hands up to her face and rested her forehead onto her fingertips.

...

After a while, when Stella had somehow managed to calm her nerves slightly and her eyes got used to the surrounding darkness, she looked up at the clock on the opposite wall... it was nearly 3:00 a.m.... she had barely slept an hour...

Stella leaned her back against the cooling wall behind her and closed her eyes...

She felt tired... even exhausted... but her mind just couldn't calm down. It had been incredibly difficult for her to fall asleep. But even when she had managed to rest, there were these dark thoughts which kept haunting her throughout the day- and nighttime.

These thoughts... the dream she’d had, suddenly came back on her mind...

 _For fucks sake!_  
Stella was mentally screaming... she was cursing this world! Cursing these men! Cursing... herself...

She had been completely petrified! Frozen...

She had been petrified... unable to move... unable to fight! Not just in her nightmare, but in real life... She had shown weakness... she had failed on being the person, the strong, confident person, she had thought she was. And she hated herself for it!

Back then, when she was young... there had been no chance for her to escape this... there had been a knife held to her throat! She hadn‘t been trained the way she was now! But this time...

 _What the fucking hell is wrong with me?!_  
Stellas limbs were trembling at the thought of her just laying there and doing absolutely nothing... she could have had the chance to free herself somehow during last nights happenings! But her body had just switched off... as if a switch had been thrown inside her, which kept her from being in control of herself.

„FUCK!“, she suddenly screamed, and punched her fist against the wall behind her.

Stella stood up and leaned her elbows onto her desk. She buried her face in her palms, pressed her teeth together and squeezed her eyes shut as firmly as she could.

Everything that had happened... everything that had brought her to this point made absolutely no sense to her! It felt like she was trapped in a stranger's body. She wasn‘t herself right now. She didn't recognize herself anymore. 

Where was the confident, self-aware DSI she‘d been proud to be? Where was the woman who always made coolheaded decisions? Where was the person who had fearlessly stood up to an armed pack of men, giving THEM nightmares?

No... she clearly wasn‘t herself right now. She wasn‘t the one she wanted to be...

Like back then... like her younger self... like the one who had been tormented by nightmares for months. Like the one who’d kept experiencing her personal horror show every time she had closed her eyes.

It had taken her forever to fight her way back out of this hole... she had grown since then, but now she was standing on the edge of darkness once again, threatened to fall even deeper, back into her own, personal hell.

The dark ravine, which opened up in front of her feet... which harboured demons and monsters who reached out their claws and threatened to pull her down with‘em... it kept staring into the shallows of her soul.

Inside these shallows lay her deepest, darkest dreams, buried underneath an avalanche of repression. Dreams which had occupied her mind long before she had even wrote the first entry inside her dream journal.

Dreams which kept forcing their way back into her thoughts...

———  
^*^*^

_Stella had been on her way home. She‘d kept walking... and walking... until the entrance to her apartment had been in sight. As she’d nearly reached her destination, someone, or rather something, had pulled her inside this alley once again._

_At its end... there had been a door... A door, black as the dead of night, through which she’d been thrown into a room._

_There had been no lights inside this chamber. She‘d been surrounded by darkness. Until..._

_Until a spotlight had been placed on her. Once she‘d managed to open her eyes, which‘d been overwhelmed by the massive amount of brightness, she‘d found herself surrounded by odd, dangerously looking figures, which where standing in a circle around her. They‘d been wearing masks... horrifying, grotesque faces. It‘d looked utterly disgusting._

_But the true monsters, her monsters, had appeared once they‘d taken off their veils. They‘d all turned out to be people she‘d known... former friends, colleagues... even her own mother..._

_Just one of these figures had never removed its mask... This was because she didn‘t know how the fitting face looked like... she‘d never seen it... but she knew exactly who‘d been standing in front of her._

_This man... this monster, which had pulled her into the alley... which had pulled her into this terrible nightmare... and which was about to make her going through all of this again... in front of an audience, which would enjoy the horror trip._

_Over and over again!_

^*^*^

It‘d always been the same dream... for weeks... for months!

She had only experienced relaxing nights when she’d been to exhausted to keep herself onto her feet... when the overwhelming amount of work, combined with the little amount of rest had impoverished her up to the point where she would collapse onto her bed and sleep through entire weekends.

———

Stella, whos face was still burried into her palms, liftet her head up and walked towards the massive window on the wall in front of her. She leaned her right shoulder and her head against the pane.

Stella looked into the distance. A lost expression covered her face... a single tear escaped the corner of her eye...

If she wasn‘t the person she‘d been before... if she wouldn’t get back to be this exact person... who was she now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I just really wanted to get something off my chest (And I absolutely won‘t blame you, if you‘re not interested in reading this, because these are just some personal thoughts about this storyline):
> 
> I‘m writing a really intense story here. I know the content may seem horrible to many of those who might read it (even to myself). I just wanted to take the time to explain why I write about a topic like this one.
> 
> It’s mainly because I want to show the troubles of a woman, who has to fight her way back, out of this really dark place... I want to show that it‘s possible to overcome this darkness (which will be a huge part of the following and mainly of the last few chapters), and I want to show that it‘s not always the „typical bad guys“ who commit these kind of crimes...
> 
> But I get that stories like mine are not for everyone... it‘s pretty hard to read things like that without being disgusted by the content and it‘s also hard to write them without overstepping a line... but sadly these kind of stories are just to real.. too many women have to suffer because they feel like they are alone and there is no one who would understand... and in real life the dark, horrible parts of these happenings are the hugest part of the whole situation.
> 
> I hope with all of my heart that happenings like these will one day be pure fiction.. but well.. society is really fucked up... there is A LOT of work to do! I‘m not entirely sure myself if writing a story about these topics is part of educating people, by showing off the grievances of this world, or if it comes off as offensive.
> 
> I just really wanted you to know that I write these topics with the best possible intentions, to educate and to learn about it myself, and I apologise if anything got off as offensive or unrealistic.
> 
> I also wanted to let you know, that if you feel like I portrait something the wrong, or even in an offensive way, please feel free to comment and to tell me how I could‘ve handled it better! Because I want to learn and I want to get better!
> 
> There weren‘t any mean or thoughtless comments under the chapters I wrote till now and I wanted to take the time to thank anyone who took the time to comment all these nice and encouraging things, and to thank you for the short, educating conversions I had with some of you! I really appreciate every single comment!!
> 
> If you took the time to read this, thank you for listening and thank you for reading my story till this point! I hope you‘ll keep reading! Have a wonderful day/night! <3


	7. Ups and Downs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Stella finds something she needs to bring back to the police station before she would finally be able to leave Belfast behind, unexpected twists and turns force her to stand up for herself... But is she capable of doing so yet?
> 
> In the meanwhile Dani, who accompanied Stella on her way to the station, meets her former partner, with whom she starts a serious conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! It‘s been a while... but well... at least you get the longest chapter so far! (It took me way longer than previous chapters... it’s pretty intense) From here on everything is gonna change up a bit.
> 
> Okay then... enjoy reading!

Musical inspiration for this chapter: Make it go away - Massiti/Barrow

———

The next morning had dawned. 

Stella was laying on the camp bed in her office, her gaze focused at the room’s ceiling. She could hear herself breathing... slow and steady. The world around her seemed to stand still...

The only visible movements were shown by the clock hands, which displayed that it was already 7:27 a.m..

Stella had to get up... she had to get dressed... she had to hide the exposed bruises on her face... her wrists... her mind.

She needed to pack her bags... she would leave today... finally! She was tired of this godless city! Her stay at Belfast had cost her nearly everything! Her appearance, her attitude, the walls she‘d built...

If Stella could have managed to undo this whole entire, two month long disaster, she wouldn‘t have hesitated a second! But decisions had been made... things had happened... nightmares had came true... there was no way back! She knew that better than anyone else...

She had to get ready.

Stella slowly sat up. She looked around the room. 

Her head spun. Right now she was the opposite of well rested... she herself felt like a complete disaster! Like if HE had taken all her energy, all her strength, all her... all of herself... with him as he had left her room that night...

Stellas gaze fell at her bag. She finally managed to get up. Without even thinking about anything anymore, Stella grabbed her make up kit and left the office room.

She felt lost... but she would try her best to keep it hidden.

...

Completely dressed and made up, as good as possible, Stella stood at her desk. 

An hour had passed since she’d gotten up. Around 8:00 a.m. her colleagues, the few ones which hadn’t already moved back to their police station offices, had appeared at work. In the meanwhile Stella’d managed to pack her belongings.

She was eyeing the three large bags, which were placed in front of her at her desk. Three bags... for some it might seem like this was all she was taking with her for now... but she took along way more than she was able to carry... way more that anybody would be able to carry all alone... way more than anybody could even imagine.

As Stella was just about to place her phone inside her purse, her fingers brushed against some sort of cardboard-like material. Her eyebrows furrowed as her hand carefully grasped the mysterious object.

Stella pulled out a file of her briefcase... a file which she hadn’t remembered she‘d had in her possession till now! It all came back to her... she’d worked on these papers the evening after Spector had died... before... before Jim had...

It had been inside her bag the hole time... and she had forgotten about it...

Under normal circumstances this would’ve never ever happened to her! But right now... her mind was a mess!

_Great... Just great!_

Stella eyed the brown folder. All files had been picked up yesterday... just this one was left...

Stella leaned herself with her hands against the desk. Her mind was trying to take every possibility to fix this problem in consideration, which this situation was without doubt: A problem... an annoying little mistake, which threw all her plans, to gather all her belongings and to leave this freaking place as fast as possible, overboard.

There were two options which seamed reasonable to her. One was the proper way: She would hand over the file at the station‘s archives by herself. 

The other possibility was to hand the file to Dani... to ask her to bring it back to the station. The second option wasn‘t quite the way it should be handled, taking the protocols into consideration... But it would do for now! Nobody had to know... and Dani wouldn‘t tell anybody for sure! So Stella decided on choosing the easiest option... she would ask Dani to do her one last favour...

She was done with this place! She wanted to go... she needed to get away as fast as possible... she had to leave Belfast, and everything related, behind her... she just had to!

Stella went towards her office’s door, opened it and stepped outside her room.

„PC Ferrington!“, she shouted across the hallway, drawing the eyes of the young Constable, who was just walking along the corridor into Stellas direction, towards her.

„Yes, ma’am?“, Dani replied.

„Dani, could you...“, Stella started, as she began to second guess her decision.

Stellas thoughts were running wild... She really wanted to get rid of this file as fast as possible! She wanted to hand it to Dani and never think of it again! She wanted to leave, to never again think about ANYTHING „Belfast related“! But...

There was this voice... a weak, barely audible voice inside her mind, which was telling her to act like the dutiful DSI she was. This voice kept telling her to hand in the file at the station by herself. It kept telling her to follow the protocols, which stated that an police employee who had a file in his or her possession, was responsible of its safe storage. 

Sure... she could hand the file to Dani and pretend like nothing happened... but the only goal she had in mind right now, aside from leaving, was to act like herself... to BE herself again! To be the focused, conscientious, reliable person she normally was. And to handle her responsibilities towards her work, the only thing she thought she‘d left in her life, the right way.

She just wanted to leave the broken, violated shell of a strangers body behind and act like her normal, responsible self again... even if it was just for a second... 

This momentary thought made Stella continue: „Dani, could you... take me to the station?“

It was an unnecessary request for Dani to drive her to the police station. Stella knew exactly that she could have driven there easily by herself... but now the words were already spoken out loud. She wouldn‘t take her plea back, now that she had already requested it. And maybe it was a good thing to have a ‚personal driver‘, given Stellas level of exhaustion and lack of focus.

Also... there was something about Dani‘s presence, she couldn‘t exactly tell what it was, that made her feel kind of comfortable. Maybe it was because she, Stella, was the one who had the upper hand in their employment relationship... maybe it was because she had been able to trust Dani over these past weeks... or maybe... maybe it was because of this sentence she had said to Stella last evening...

_„I just wanted you to know ma’am... if there is something on your mind... or if you want to talk or... ahm... I just wanted you to know I would listen... because... I care...“_

... these words... they just didn‘t leave her mind.

„Oh, I thought... well... Sure ma’am! No problem! Let me grab my bag real quick and I‘ll be good to go“, Dani replied, wondering about the fact that her boss wasn‘t right about to leave Belfast as she had assumed.

As Dani had managed to grab her stuff, Stella stepped towards her, holding three large bags in her hands. They looked at each other for a quick moment and finally left the office together.

...

The ride had been mostly quiet... Dani had pretended to be highly focused on driving, which’d probably been the least of her thoughts over the past time, and Stella had been looking out the window, fully focused on keeping hidden how exhausted she really was.

When they finally arrived at the police station, Dani parked the car in front of the entrance and turned off the engine.

As Stella left the vehicle and was about to grab her bag from the back seat, Dani spoke, while she got out of the car herself: „So... do you want me to take you back later, ma’am?“

Stella eyed Dani for a second and replied then: „I‘d appreciate that. I just have to drop off one last file real quick. It‘s not gonna take long...“

„Alright! I‘ll wait at the co-working space. Can we meet up there?“, Dani asked.

„Yes“, Stella answered, while she took her purse, closed the car door and went towards the stations entrance.

Dani kept watching after her. As Stella had left her field of view, the young PC locked the car and followed after her boss. 

She still had no idea what was bothering her so much... her thoughts kept telling her that something was odd, but she just couldn‘t figure out what it was.

-x-

Quite some time later, Stella walked along the hallway, which had directed her towards the police archives in the basement of the building.

She had dropped off the file. It hadn‘t taken long. Now she was on her way back to meet Dani upstairs. She had managed to fullfill her last task in Belfast and now she wanted nothing more than to leave as fast as she could...

She wanted to go... to leave her problems and fears behind. Even though she didn‘t feel like she had made up her mind about anything, her heart told her to run! To leave without ever looking back... to let go of all her pain... to let go of the thoughts of revenge. Like back at the time, when she had left her old life behind... when she had thrown all her principles, all her believes into justice, over board... when she had lost all her self-confidence and self-respect...

She clearly wasn‘t acting like the Stella she knew right now. She wanted to! But she just didn‘t feel strong enough to put up the fight, which she would have fought out for everyone else but herself. She was out of energy... She felt... broken.

Stella opened the heavy door which directed her into the stairwell. She hoped to avoid most interactions with others by taking the stairs. Right now she was absolutely not in the mood for any kind of conversation.

The clicking sound of her heels echoed through the wide open space around her.

Just three large batches of stairs separated her from the ground floor, where she would finally meet up with Dani to leave this place behind. She was really exhausted... but the thought of getting away made her take one step after the other until she was up the first flight of stairs. 

Suddenly she perceived footsteps coming from above her. Someone was walking down the stairs, right into her direction.

Stella tried to fade out the sound as good as she could and turned around to start walking up the next batch of stairs, when all of a sudden her eyes widened in shock. There he was! Standing just one landing above her. Carrying files in one of his hands. Looking at her with a surprised expression written all over his face. And this time it wasn‘t just one of her nightmares... it was reality!

Jim!

„Stella?“, he spoke, „I thought you had already left!“

Stellas whole body was frozen in place. Her lungs felt like every last bit of air had been sucked out of them. Breathing became nearly impossible. 

She could clearly perceive Jims lips moving, but the words, which left his mouth, just sounded like dull, meaningless noises. She stared right into his eyes... the eyes, which had looked at her that night... which had been filled up with bliss and excitement.

Just to think about this greedy gaze...about his body on top of hers... It made her feel sick!

„Why‘re you still here?“, the man asked, wondering about the twisted look on his opponents face.

Stella, who’s hands started to shiver slightly, didn‘t dare to produce a single sound. Her whole mind just tried to find a way out of this real life horror show. She considered turning around and heading back to the basement... but what then? She would be trapped... if he would follow her down there... anything could happen! The only real way to escape this was the one which led her forward... past him.

She lowered her gaze to the floor. Her pulse was racing. The huge amount of adrenaline, which she felt pumping through her veins, made her take a step forward. The need to escape was even bigger than the feeling of fear which kept bubbling up inside her, so Stella started to run up the stairs ahead of her.

„Oh come on... you can‘t even look at me now?“, Jim said, slightly upset, to the woman which went upwards into his direction.

As Stella stepped on the mezzanine and was about to walk past Jim, holding her breath when their paths crossed, he suddenly turned towards her and grabbed her left hand.

„Hey! Can‘t we even have a normal talk with one another? Like, what‘s this about?!“, Jim said, while his facial expression turned grumpy.

Stella, who felt her tormentors fingers wrapping around her, yanked her arm out of his grip and shouted: „Get your fucking paws off me!!!“

She took two huge steps back, towards the wall behind her, pressed her arm against her chest and shot Jim a look of disgust and pure terror.

He, who was very perplexed by Stellas reaction, blocked her way by placing himself directly in front of her and spoke: „Stella... what is this about?! Why are you behaving like this? If this is about two nights ago... It‘s not like we hadn‘t had something going on between us years before! What‘s the difference this time? Talk to me!“

As she took in Jims words, Stellas brows furrowed, her eyes opened wide and her mouth dropped slightly open. She couldn’t believe what she just heard... this was to much!

„What‘s the...“, her voice cracked, but she kept going, „... what’s the difference.. this time? Are you for real?!“

„Well, yeah! I know this might be kinda awkward, but we‘re both grown up humans! We should be able to handle our decisions!“, Jim spoke firmly.

„Our decisions...“, Stella couldn‘t stop herself from letting out a short sigh of disbelief, „... you really believe that, do you?“

„Well, of course... what else would it‘ve been than just another one-night stand? I was drunk.... you were.... well....“, he replied.

„So that's what you tell yourself to be able to sleep peacefully at night? You really think that‘s what it was?! A FUCKING ONE-NIGHT STAND?!“, Stella shouted aggressively. All of a sudden every bit of her fear got replaced by an enormous amount of rage. Stella was seeing red! She just couldn’t believe him! She had been forced to live through her personal hell and he was telling HER this fantasy fairytale he had made up inside his sick mind? 

„And what would you consider it, if not as ‚One-night stand‘?!“, Jim blurted out.

Enough was enough! Just in this one moment, Stella felt the greatest wave of adrenalin hitting her entire being, which gave her the strength to fight the fight she needed to put up right now, right here.

„I WOULD CONSIDER IT RAPE!“, Stella shouted, more convinced of her statement than she had ever been of something.

Jims eyes widened in shock. „Ra... ra..“, he stammered, „No... this... this is nonsense...“

He turned his back towards her. His hand shot up to his face, covering his mouth.

„Oh, it’s nonsense to you?! Well, why don’t you take a look at this then!!“, Stella yelled, while she pulled up the sleeves of her jacket.

Jims face turned to look at Stellas bruised wrists. He stepped back as his eyes took in the purple stains on her skin.

„No... no! That‘s what Spector did to you! That wasn‘t me!“, Jim shouted while covering his eyes with his palms.

He stepped as far away from her as the mezzanine’s width allowed it, with the back of his body turned into her direction once again.

„Spector?! No! But a creature of the same race? YES!“, Stella cried out, „You told me you’ve been face to face with pure evil... but you don't want it to be true that you yourself are actually entirely eaten up by it!“

Jim didn‘t reply.. he didn‘t even move.

Stella continued, while, out of anger an desperation, tears shot to her eyes: „You!... You raped me you fucking bastard! And the worst part of all: You were enjoying yourself! When I told you, you were just a man, like Spector, I didn‘t think you would ever sink to his level! Turns out, you are exactly like him! A man with absolut no respect for any other humanbeing than himself! Now you proved that to me, to you and to the rest of the world!“

„THIS IS A LIE!“, Jim screamed out, as he turned around and stepped close up towards Stella, looking directly into her utterly terrified eyes.

The despair, which had taken over him, spoke: „Don‘t always blame others, when you aren’t able to live with your mistakes! This whole situation is ridiculous! YOU ARE RIDICULOUS!“

„We'll see which of us is ridiculous when I get you reported, you alcohol dependent bastard!“, Stella replied, feeling a spark of her strong, confident personality flare up inside her.

„You can‘t do that! Your stupid, little wave of emotions is gonna cost me every last part of my life that I‘ve left!“, Jim shouted.

„I can and I will!“, Stella spoke, her voice filled with conviction.

Jim kept staring at her for a few seconds, when he suddenly bursted out in an aghast laughter. Stella was eyeing him, absolutely horrified about his behaviour.

„You think...“, Jim started talking through the laughs, „You really think I‘d be the only one going down with this sinking ship?! I mean, have you looked in the mirror lately? Your face covers every single front page of the newspapers here! You are the slut, who shagged around half of Belfast‘s police employees! You are the joke of this whole story.. the joke of whole fucking Belfast! The kind of joke, which won‘t ever again be respected by anyone!! If you tell this absurd story around and if you find someone who’ll believe it... I may be fucked... but you! Oh, Stella... you would never ever recover from this mistake!“

Out of nowhere Spectors voice infiltrated Stellas mind. 

_„You are a filthy little whore! Well... I guess everybody knows that fact by now, after your pretty face graced the front page of all those newspapers... Your high reputation has gone to shit!“_

That comment had hit right into the deepest, darkest place of her soul. Everything she’d felt over the past days... fear, hate, helplessness, disappointment, disgrace.. it kept overwhelming her more and more by every passing second. She could feel the flame of confidence and power, which had been lit up, being dissolved. She suddenly felt smaller and more fragile than she‘d ever been. She couldn’t stay here... the fight was over. She hadn‘t just lost the battle... she‘d lost herself once again.

The tears, which had build themselves out of anger, were now starting to fall freely... she couldn‘t let him see! She was feeling constricted by just being near him. She needed to leave as fast as she could!

Stella rushed past her opposite, her face turned to the floor, but before she had the chance to leave, Jim aggressively grabbed her by her wrist. A sharp pain shot through her arm, as he held her already bruised skin tightly between his fingers. Stella winced in argony.

„This conversation is NOT over yet!“, Jim yelled.

He pulled Stella backwards and managed to grasp her other hand, so she was standing right in front of him. She was fighting against the tightness of his grip.

„You can‘t just accuse people of something like this and run away afterwards! You won‘t ever again tell this fucking made up story anyone!“, he spoke, as he held the struggling woman by her wrists.

„LET GO OF ME, NOW!“, Stella shouted, when she finally managed to free herself from his grip. But as she pulled her hands away, she suddenly stumbled backwards and slipped on the edge of the stairs.

Stella screamed out as she cascaded down the batch of stairs and hit the back of her head at the bottom level. For a few seconds she just lay there, completely immobile, with her body turned sideways and her platinum blonde hair covering her face.

Jims eyes widened in shock, as he realised what’d just happened. „God, Stella!“, he screamed, as he ran down towards the motionless silhouette on the lower storey.

But before he even had the chance to touch her, Stellas shaky voice spoke: „Don‘t you... dare touch me... ever again... Get away from me... Now!“

Jim was staring at the lifeless figure, which lay on the ground.

 _Fuck..._  
he thought, as he turned around and ran up the stairs until he reached the first floor. 

He hesitated wether to call for help or to just behave like absolutely nothing had happened... But even if he wanted to get help... he couldn‘t! They would question him about the happenings... about how they‘d gotten to this point... and he wasn‘t ready...

He opened the door, which led into a large office complex. Jim walked along the hallway, greeting former colleagues which crossed his way, as Stellas words repeated themselves in his mind over and over:

_„I WOULD CONSIDER IT RAPE!“_

_„You’ve been face to face with pure evil... but you yourself are actually entirely eaten up by it!“_

_„We'll see which of us is ridiculous when I get you reported, you alcohol dependent bastard!“_

As he reached his offices entrance, Jim stepped inside and shut the door behind him. For a moment he just stood there... frozen... breathing heavily. Then, out of nowhere, he stepped towards his desk and swept his arms over the whole table top, throwing everything on top to the ground. After that he clenched his fists and let them crash onto the desk.

„FUCK!“, he shouted, „Fuck, fuck, fuck!... fuck...“ He closed his eyes, as tears started to build themselves... He didn‘t know what to believe anymore... 

_„I WOULD CONSIDER IT RAPE!“_

...this couldn‘t be true... he couldn‘t believe what had happened with the life he‘d built up... but the only thing he knew for sure right now, was that he needed a glass of whisky as fast as possible!

-x-

Stella lay on the ground. She had overheard Jim's footsteps getting further and further away and finally falling silent. The air around her felt utterly suppressing. She could feel an enormous amount of pain shooting through her head.

Stella whimpered as she carefully leaned onto her scraped palms and lifted her upper body up into a sitting position. The world seemed to spin around her. She dragged her body towards the wall beside her and leaned her back against it. She tried to stabilise herself, but everything kept spinning. Her sight was all blurry.

Stellas head pulsed as if it was about to explode!

She kept focusing on her surroundings, but nothing seemed to sharpen. Panic spread though her system. Her breathing quickened when realisation kicked in. All of this really happened! She‘d faced her tormenter, she‘d lost her battle... and now she might be injured... because she fell... she fell hard!

It felt like Stellas lungs rejected every bit of oxygen she was trying to inhale... she was unable to breathe! All air got sucked out of her body. It was like something was squeezing her to death! The restricting feeling around her chest grew with every passing second.

This condition evoked dark memories inside her... Memories in which panic attacks like this had been her constant companion.

———

_There had been this one time many years ago... when Stella had still taken the train to get to work and back..._

_She‘d been on her way home... late at night, as usual._

_Stella sat in an nearly empty compartment, looking at a file, which she must‘ve read till tomorrow morning._

_When the train stopped at the next station, suddenly a group of three middle-aged men stepped inside, laughing, yelling, behaving like a bunch of drunken monkeys._

_The train left the station again._

_Stella tried to ignore these guys as good as possible so she could concentrate on her reading material, but they kept acting like wild animals, screaming obscenities around, wandering along the corridor._

_Right before they reached her seat, she perceived one of them saying: „Hey... look at this! What do we have there?“ One of the three pointed his finger on her, when suddenly all of them started to head over towards Stella._

_An uncomfortable feeling started to spread through Stellas body, when the tallest of the group apruptly yelled: „Hey, little lady! You must be the most beautiful thing I've seen in a long time!“_

_Stella turned her face towards the case file in her lap, trying to blend out the feeling of uneasiness._

_„Come on!“, the guy spoke again, placing himself in the seat right in front of Stella, letting his greedy look wander around her body, „Don‘t be shy, baby! I have an idea... what would you say if I would ask you out for a drink? Me and my friends are headed to a near bar! You should come with us!“ His companies agreed by nodding their heads in approval._

_„I‘d answer: Not interested!“, Stella replied, shooting her opposite a stern look._

_„Oh please! Don‘t behave like a princess! You need to loosen up a bit! Hey guys, why don‘t we help our new friend to relax a little?“, the man said, while his buddies went to sit beside Stella._

_When they began to reach their hands out for her, Stellas gaze changed from stern to highly worried._

_„I‘m a police officer! I swear to god, if only one of you tries to touch me I‘m gonna get your asses reported!“, she shouted, feeling the air getting sucked out of her lungs with every word she spoke._

_The men glanced slightly irritated at each other._

_„Wow! Don‘t act like a bitch! We are leaving! You fucking broads are all the same...“, one of the tall mans friends answered, „Let‘s get going guys!“ He and his silent friend went further along the hallway, but their tall companion kept staring at Stella, piercing her with his gaze._

_Stella felt a sudden sickness taking over her stomach... she was completely grossed out by the disgusting way this man looked at her._

_„Jeff! Come on man! Let’s go, you needy psycho!“, one of his friends shouted laughing._

_Before the man they had called ‚Jeff‘ headed over to his group members, he shot Stella one last gaze and spoke: „If I had met you alone in the dark, you wouldn't have been so cheeky!“_

_When the train finally reached its next stop, Stella left the compartment, even though this was not her stop._

_Without thinking too much about it, she headed to the nearest bathroom, locked herself inside and propped her body up against a wall... she slowly sunk to her knees as she felt a huge wave o fright hitting her. Even though she’d already gotten out of this horrible situation, panic spread through her veins, leaving her nearly unable to take controlled breaths. She started hyperventilating heavily._

_„If I had met you alone in the dark, you wouldn't have been so cheeky!“_

_The sentence kept repeating itself inside her mind. She immediately thought of the night which had left her traumatised..._

_„Alone in the dark“_

_She had been alone... helpless... forced to let somebody else take control over her. She was shaken by the thought of it happening again... by the thought that everyone around her might be capable of sending her through this hell once more..._

_Stella led her left hand up to her right wrist, where it took hold of a black elastic band. She let it snap against her flesh... one time... two times... as often as she had to, to feel able to properly breathe in and out again._

_She let out a long sigh... was this her life now? Would she live in fear till she died? Would she ever be able to fully receive back control about herself?_

———

Stella had closed her eyes. She took slow, deep breaths and was entirely focused on her breathing. She could feel the air entering her shocked system again...

Stella felt every part of her body... aching... pulsing... shivering.

As she felt finally able to reopen her eyes, her sight went from blurry to mostly sharp again.

How long had she sat here? How much time had passed? She‘d no idea.

The only thing Stella knew right now was that she had to make her way back to Dani, otherwise the young PC might think that something was wrong... which it was... but she couldn‘t let her know.... she couldn’t let anyone know! No one should ever find out how pathetic she felt... how weak she‘d been...

Stella tried to pull herself up to her legs. On the first try they were so shaky that her feet gave way under her. If she would‘ve looked closer at her pants, Stella might have noticed a tiny, bloody stain on her thigh. But she was to focused on controlling her breathing and trying to keep her limbs from shaking.

When she’d finally managed to get up, Stella pulled herself together and went on to climb the stairs. Even though every step hurt, she didn‘t feel like she had any serious injuries, like broken bones or cracked ribs... she knew quite well that the feeling of being unharmed could be caused by a state of shock.

But to hide her weakness she would take the risk and try to act as normal as possible... so she continued her way until she reached the door which led to the ground floor.

_Time to pull yourself together..._

-x-

Dani sat at the table at which she and her co-workers had used to eat, chat and laugh with one another. Well... before the two month long investigation, which she‘d been a part of, had begun.

Now it felt kind of unusual for her to be back... a lot had changed during this time... she saw the world, her world, with different eyes. She‘d known before that there existed a huge amount of evil on this planet... but she‘d never experienced it in this kind of way. These two months had had an enormous impact on her... she was different now... but she didn‘t let herself get dominated by this new perspective... she‘d used the impressions she‘d collected to grow... to become a better version of herself!

All of this... they way she felt... she wouldn‘t feel the same way if it hadn‘t been for Stella! She‘d been teaching her to handle every situation with a huge amount of class and grace... she‘d shown her that nobody should be able to get her to surrender... and she‘d gifted her trust to her.

These thoughts filled her with pride every time they crossed her mind. 

But thinking of Stella... she couldn‘t help but feel like something had been going on with her... something which she just hadn’t been able to figure out yet... something which she coudn‘t get off her mind.

„... and then there was this-... Hey Dani! Are you even listening?“, her former partner, PC Brian Stone, who she’d met on her way to the meeting room and who‘d taken her presence as an invitation to update her on his latest cases, asked her.

„Yeah! Sorry! Go on!“, Dani replied, knowing exactly that he‘d noticed her mental absence.

„No... I get it! A story of a marital dispute seems probably pretty boring to you, after your time at the special unit...“, Brian said, eyeing her sympathetically.

„Oh come on Brian... I‘m never getting tired of your stories! You know that! It‘s just... I‘m thinking about-“, Dani answered, as suddenly another colleague stepped inside the room.

He spoke: „Hey, Brian!... Dani! Welcome back!“

„Hey, Matthew! Good to see you!“, Dani greeted him.

Brian asked her: „So, what were you about to say, Dani?“

„Oh... ahm... actually nothing! It‘s not really important anyway“, she replied. 

She didn‘t want to just spread her thoughts on Stellas odd behaviour around the whole crew... It was actually none of her business anyway!

„If you say so...“, Brian said, slightly irritated.

„Hey, you guys heard about yesterday evening?“, Matthew asked abruptly.

„Yeah man! What a disaster!“, Brian shouted.

„What happened yesterday?“, Dani asked perplexed.

„You haven’t heard about it? It‘s been the top topic of conversation all day!“, Brian answered.

„So?? What happened?“, Dani curiously asked again.

„Okay, look“, her partner started off, „yesterday evening there was this woman coming in and she asked to talk to a detective. Out of all people, Hanings was free to talk to! HANINGS! Mr. ‚I-don‘t-care-about-anything-or-anyone-as-long-as-I’m-able-to-get-to-my-cigarette-break-on-time‘!... So this young woman spoke to him, and he was acting like a complete fool! It turned out, that she had finally felt able to report a case of rape, which she‘d experienced a few weeks ago!... But Hanings... god... he completely shattered her! And I don‘t mean it like: he was a bit rough, or he asked her to many questions... NO! He completely pestered her, questioning why she hadn't reported the crime right away, telling her that there was little to no chance of ever catching the guy who did this to her! It came off like he was blaming her!... Halfway through the talk the poor girl bursted out into tears and just wanted to leave!... It made me sick when I heard of it...“

„My god...“, Dani answered, completely shocked by the story Brian had told her, „I‘m so grossed out right now... this is terrible!! I can‘t believe they let someone like Hanings talk to this kind of victims! This poor woman...“

„Yea, right?“, Brian said, „I think she actually left without talking to anyone else... Is it so difficult to use trained staff for this type of survey?

„If DSI Gibson would‘ve taken this case... or even someone who is just half as sensitive as she‘s... this woman wouldn’t have gotten that scared and unsettled!“, Dani answered, „God... I can‘t imagine how I‘d feel... It‘s actually unfortunate that the DSI‘ll leave Belfast so soon... this station needs someone like her very badly!“

„Well, we definitely need staff like her!“, Brian told Dani, „But... to be honest... I‘m kind of relieved she‘s leaving“

„What? But why?“, Dani asked bewildered.

„Oh come on, Dani... you can‘t tell me you didn‘t also think of her as kind of arrogant and odd!... I mean... yeah, she is very competent and smart... and this case would‘ve been a total disaster without her help... but... Just think of all the things the newspapers brought about her! This is not quite the behaviour I‘d expect from someone like her... And just think about the way she treated you! You had to do everything for her, no matter when, no matter where!“, Brian answered.

Dani, who felt a little touch of anger rising inside her, replied sternly: „Brian! No... no I don‘t think of her as arrogant! She is just... very self-aware!“

She continued: „Look... you don‘t know her... I‘m not even sure if I know her... but there are a few things I know about her: She lives for her work, for finding a solution to every problem, for helping victims, slaying fights which they can’t slay on their own! She expects much... but not more than you can handle! She is pushing you beyond your self-set limits, because she sees things in you that not even you might see in yourself! She is... special... She‘s the kind of person which you just have to look at to feel strong and powerful! She‘s the kind of person we all want to be... Some are scared by that... others respect it! And even if she makes a mistake... she stands by it, because she knows that it‘s okay to make mistakes, as long as you keep doing your best!“

Brian looked at Dani, visibly impressed by her words.

Dani was just thinking about Stella... about how much respect she had for her. It came to her mind, that she‘d feel pretty lonely, if she herself would be somewhere she actually had nobody she‘d a real connection with... nobody she could really, truly, fully trust...

Even if the case was over... as long Stella was here, Dani wouldn‘t let her down... No matter what her boss might need... she would take care of it!

„Dani!“, a soft voice suddenly called behind her back.

„Oh! Ma’am!“, Dani said, eyeing Stella, who was standing in the door frame, „Is everything alright? Are you ready to leave?“

„Yes“, Stella replied coldly.

„Okay, let‘s head to the car then!“, Dani spoke, noticing a dark stain on her boss‘s thigh. It seemed kind of weird to her... but, again, it was none of her business!

„See you Brian!“, Dani said.

„Yeah, see you!“, he replied before his head turned to Stella to nod her goodbye, „Detective Gibson“

The DSI returned his gesture. 

...

Dani and Stella finally left the room and went along the long corridor, when abruptly the pale blonde woman stopped and propped herself up against a near wall.

„Ma’am? Are you alright?“, Dani asked, noticing the heavy breaths her boss took. But before she even had the chance to properly check on her, Stellas eyes rolled back and she collapsed to the floor.

„Oh god! Ma’am?!“, Dani shouted as she ran towards Stella and checked her pulse. It was barely perceptible.

„Ma’am!“, Dani yelled, „I NEED HELP! PLEASE, ANYONE! CALL AN AMBULANCE“

A few faces took a look out of their office rooms. A crowd had gathered around them in no time!

 _Oh god... no... fuck!_  
Dani thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... the end of chapter 7... I feel bad, because it‘s a very open end and sadly I won‘t be able to upload an update before two to three weeks pass by...(university occupies my time fully till end of January)
> 
> But! I thought I could at least give you a little insight into the following chapters, here we go:
> 
> Stella is brought to the hospital, where she meets old acquaintance again. Her doctors and visitors soon notice that something is wrong with her, so a time period of coping and processing feelings is about to start.
> 
> Okay, well... that‘s it for a while! As always comments, weather they involve ideas, constructive criticism or even just some nice words, are always HIGHLY appreciated and very motivating!
> 
> Thanks to everyone who read the story up to this point! I hope you‘ll stay tuned for the following chapters! Have a great day/night! <3


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